Today is … better.
Each day can only get better, right?
I mean, there are those moments of, “Wow.”
I have a lot of “wow” moments–but not out of amazement, obviously.
More like, “Is this really my life? Did I actually get pregnant–and it just went away?”
I wish I could control my sadness. I wish I could tell myself, “Nope! I’m not going to be sad. This day is NOT going to be ruined.” But–I can’t do that. I can’t help it.
I remember ALREADY feeling sad two weeks ago because I was afraid that I was signing myself up for heartache.
“What if neither embryo implants? Fuck, why am I doing this to myself?”
Bleh, I hate it! I HATE INFERTILITY.
Now, I feel like a bit of a clean slate. Before today I still had the pregnancy-test doctor visit looming … even though I knew it would be negative … because … well–ahem–a lot of red stuff.
I failed, and now everybody knows it. My doctor, my nurse … my uterus.
Today is finally day one of a new opportunity. I can move forward. That was my mentality after the last two failures.
This time is a little bit different, though. Because I had it. Because it’s gone. Because I feel super vulnerable.
I mean–really? Does this shit in life really have to happen?
What’s the point? What lesson have I learned except to not take a pregnancy test before my beta? I mean, the third pregnancy test could have gotten darker. I could have had a healthy HCG level today. It didn’t HAVE to go away!
Why did it go away? Will it come back?
I think it will … but I’m scared (that it won’t).
And how the hell am I supposed to improve my egg quality? I thought I was supposed to have healthy eggs.
I just want this to be over.