Each Day

Today is … better.

Each day can only get better, right?

I mean, there are those moments of, “Wow.”

I have a lot of “wow” moments–but not out of amazement, obviously.

More like, “Is this really my life? Did I actually get pregnant–and it just went away?”

“WOW.”

I wish I could control my sadness. I wish I could tell myself, “Nope! I’m not going to be sad. This day is NOT going to be ruined.” But–I can’t do that. I can’t help it.

I remember ALREADY feeling sad two weeks ago because I was afraid that I was signing myself up for heartache.

“What if neither embryo implants? Fuck, why am I doing this to myself?”

Bleh, I hate it! I HATE INFERTILITY.

Now, I feel like a bit of a clean slate. Before today I still had the pregnancy-test doctor visit looming … even though I knew it would be negative … because … well–ahem–a lot of red stuff.

I failed, and now everybody knows it. My doctor, my nurse … my uterus.

Today is finally day one of a new opportunity. I can move forward. That was my mentality after the last two failures.

This time is a little bit different, though. Because I had it. Because it’s gone. Because I feel super vulnerable.

I mean–really? Does this shit in life really have to happen?

What’s the point? What lesson have I learned except to not take a pregnancy test before my beta? I mean, the third pregnancy test could have gotten darker. I could have had a healthy HCG level today. It didn’t HAVE to go away!

Why did it go away? Will it come back?

I think it will … but I’m scared (that it won’t).

And how the hell am I supposed to improve my egg quality? I thought I was supposed to have healthy eggs.

I just want this to be over.

 

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