October 19, 2011

Friends, allow me to complain explain.

Clomid is intense. Wow, these symptoms suck. I keep telling myself that, “At least it’s working!” Eh, yea. It better be working.

On Monday—my first dose—I experienced a few symptoms, but it was hard to say what I was feeling because I was still incredibly sore from my marathon. Also, I had a little bit of heartburn, but I’d had it the night before, so I excused the Clomid.

On Tuesday—oh boy—I woke up with a slight headache. Lack of rest and congestion from my sickness last week was the cause—no biggie, right? I took my Clomid at the same time in the morning. I don’t know if it’s the shape, size or substance of the pill, but it gives me heartburn! I can handle heartburn, though. My day went downhill when I proceeded with my day and my headache got worse … and worse … and worse. I was at work for about an hour before just giving up and heading home. Thankfully, my husband was home and ready to take care of me! I took some Tylenol and slept it off. Later, husband treated me to some comfort food. The rest of my day was great!

I prayed that Clomid wasn’t causing me the headaches, was hoping that my body just needed a break. If my medication is a contributor, that’s fine, but I can’t deal with this everyday.

Today I took my Prilosec first thing to help with the Clomid-induced heartburn. It didn’t help, but now my heartburn is fine for the most part. There’s a little bit of acidic action going on but nothing I can’t handle. Praise God because I don’t have a headache! I feel dizzy, icky and my eyes are a little sensitive, but no headache.

Ovulating is no joke. Ha! Well, I’m not ovulating yet, but I’m definitely gearing up for it.

My husband has been great! He’s the best partner to go on this journey with! I’m so grateful for his understanding and support. It’s hard, though, because it feels like this process is hard to endure without counsel from another female. My hubby is my absolute best friend, but this issue is just one of those things that he can’t understand—and I can appreciate that. I don’t want him to understand—I want him to be 100% MAN. I don’t necessarily need him to empathize with me—that’s a ridiculous and unrealistic request. I guess it is difficult to not have anyone to talk to who is going through the same thing.

I’ve thought about exposing these secret blog posts. I wasn’t going to until there was a happy ending—pregnancy. I need support, though, and I’m wondering why I’ve been scared to expose this personal issue. It is because of pride? I mean, I’m sure many women can understand why I wouldn’t want to expose such a personal trial, but what’s wrong with people knowing? I’m scared of the “Are you pregnant yet?” questions. I’m scared of people who are completely clueless trying to make me feel better with empty words who just don’t understand. I guess I don’t need the additional anxiety of proving to people that I can have a baby. I don’t need people—those who “accidentally” got pregnant, resented their pregnancy, chose to have an abortion, etc.—knowing about my deepest struggle and having expectations. This sucks. Sometimes I get so scared that it’ll never be me. But then I must remember who’s on my side. He has helped me with my deepest struggles—He has come through. It gets better. It will get better. There’s always a bigger picture that I don’t see. What did I do with the four months of planning my conception journey? Sit around? Mope? Wait? Let time pass me by? I trained for and completed my first marathon! God gave me back something that I’d lost. That’s what I gained from being patient for a better time for a baby. Although the anxiety was worse while waiting, it was still a wonderful time in my life. At this point, I refuse to live with stress, doubt, anxiety. I am doing my best. That is all I can ask from myself. I can take my medication, count the days, “hang out” with my husband, etc. I can give it 110%, and that’s all I can offer. I can’t control the circumstances. Worry and fear won’t help accomplish anything. I don’t want this to take over my life, but I want a baby … yesterday.

I signed up for the 1ok! This is the Halloween race! I’m super excited! It is on October 29th, should be a flat course and I’m anxious to see what my legs can do with 6.1 miles! Speaking of running, I still haven’t run since my marathon. Last night I had planned to run this morning, but my husband encouraged me not to. He’s right—I need to give my legs time to heal and loosen up. Soon enough, though. Soon enough!

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