Pointless

I feel pointless right now. Or maybe it’s that there’s a pointlessness I feel right now.

I don’t know.

Do you ever feel that way?

Like there’s all this excitement, all this hype, all these medications, all of these emotions … for it all to come crashing down to nothing.

I’m just bored. But it’s deeper than that. I just can’t find the right word or emotion to describe..

I’m pissed off and impatient.

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLET’S HAVE A BABY ALREADY. Hot dang.

I think it’s a deep, deep feeling of disappointment.

I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my life to start.

And all the optimists would tell me that I should “enjoy the journey.”

Right.

I want to live a certain life that I can’t have. I don’t WANT to live like other 25-year-olds. I don’t want to enjoy this break and do fun activities with my husband … because they cost MONEY.

What I want is a baby. What I want is perfectly natural. IT’S NORMAL.

Is it bad to wish away two months of your life? Okay, I know it’s bad.

But that’s how I feel.

I’m just really pissed off, and there’s a rage inside of me that makes me want to throw a physical encapsulation of infertility against the wall and then beat it with another physical encapsulation of infertility.

Whatever.

Advertisements

One thought on “Pointless

  1. I’m right there with you, girl! Stuck is EXACTLY how I feel… I’ve been stuck here for over two years and I feel like every day has been a waste since first trying to add a baby to our family… Thinking of you! xo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s