I feel pointless right now. Or maybe it’s that there’s a pointlessness I feel right now.
I don’t know.
Do you ever feel that way?
Like there’s all this excitement, all this hype, all these medications, all of these emotions … for it all to come crashing down to nothing.
I’m just bored. But it’s deeper than that. I just can’t find the right word or emotion to describe..
I’m pissed off and impatient.
LLLLLLLLLLLLLLET’S HAVE A BABY ALREADY. Hot dang.
I think it’s a deep, deep feeling of disappointment.
I feel like I’m stuck. I feel like I’m just waiting. I’m waiting for my life to start.
And all the optimists would tell me that I should “enjoy the journey.”
I want to live a certain life that I can’t have. I don’t WANT to live like other 25-year-olds. I don’t want to enjoy this break and do fun activities with my husband … because they cost MONEY.
What I want is a baby. What I want is perfectly natural. IT’S NORMAL.
Is it bad to wish away two months of your life? Okay, I know it’s bad.
But that’s how I feel.
I’m just really pissed off, and there’s a rage inside of me that makes me want to throw a physical encapsulation of infertility against the wall and then beat it with another physical encapsulation of infertility.