The very fact that I’m writing this blog is contradictory to my new found freedom. After all, it is part of the journey, though.
I have given this to God. He is faithful, and I’ve found freedom. I hope and pray that thoughts of discouragement and doubt and hurt don’t overcome me in random moments; I hope and pray that this isn’t a pseudo-freedom—a feeling that is present due to the current season of cheer and love and Jesus and happiness.
A dear friend, coworker, mentor loaned a book to me quite a few months ago. She was one of the first people I told (third behind my husband and a family member), and upon “getting through” this book about the freedom found in Christ, I was—in all honesty—uncertain of its effect on my emotions. Yes, God loves me. Yes, the Bible is Truth. It wasn’t until the final day of telling myself, “Just finish the book today. Get through it. You’ve had it for over six months now,” I read the final chapters that truly spoke to my heart. The fact of the matter is—the Truth is: God’s promises are true. He knows what’s in my heart; he hears my thoughts and feels my heart ache. He knows. ***This “thing”, this issue—I had been worshiping it. Truly, it has been in the forefront of my mind and actions. It had become my idol, and it had trapped me. Satan—like he always does—took this wonderful idea of becoming a mother and fed me lies. I dwelt on these lies, I obsessed over them. I feared the worst-case scenario.
But, acknowledging this sin of idolatry and just letting go; truly placing my heart and desires in the hands of the Lord, I have already felt more freedom. It’s kind of like a break-up—not the actual break-up. It feels like the part of a break-up when you finally let someone (something) go, after months and months and months. It’s scary, but there is great relief and freedom. God has already been faithful.
Now I’m on the freedom trail.
July 5, 2013: *** Hmm, I don’t think I agree with myself. I’m not sure the pain of infertility or extremely strong desire to become a mother is/was a bad thing. I think it’s normal. I think God placed these desires in my heart. So, I don’t think it is or was an idol that I worship/ed. Aaaand this “freedom” was short-lived.