I Know They Mean Well

… as I fiddle with my wedding/engagement rings …

Colleague: “So how’s married life treating you?”

Me: “Oh, it’s good, you know.”

C: “Yea, you two getting to know each other?”

M: (Awkward laugh.) “Oh, well we got to know each other pretty well in college. And we’ve been married for almost three years now.”

C: “That’s good. Yea, the first year of marriage is always interesting, a challenge.”

M: (Obligatory smile.) “Hmm …” (Yea, especially when you start battling infertility from day one. But the direction of the toilet paper roll is MUCH more serious, don’t you think?)

C: “So, are your mothers buggin’ you about babies yet?”

M: (Enter anxiety.) “No, no, not yet.” (More like they’re on their hands and knees praying like crazy to our Heavenly Father. More like every conversation with my mom involves crying because I can’t be a mother, and her heart aches with mine.)

C: “Yea, it’s good to have some time to yourself for the first little bit.”

M: (Nods head.) Dude, you have no idea.

They have no idea how hard it is to hold back the truth and walk around work everyday saying “Good, how are you?” to every initiated, obligatory “How are you?” question. They have no idea how hard it is to say “No, it’s not that I’m not ready; it’s that I can’t on my own.”

It’s not their fault, though. I know that. I know they mean well. I know they assume I’m a spring chicken with beautiful, healthy eggs … not eggs with cracks in them.

If you can’t tell, I’m struggling today. Like, it’s been a burst-into-tears-at-my-desk-and-close-the-door kind of day.

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3 thoughts on “I Know They Mean Well

  1. Ughh! Days like this suck so, so bad! I’m so sorry!

    I’ve been catching up on your blog (finally figured out the system), and wow, you took me back to those first years… feeling so incredibly overwhelmed at the thought of Clomid. : ) We’ve come so far (regrettably)! Believing better days are ahead for both of us!

    • Haha! I’m glad you figured out my erratic posts … one post I’m talking about Clomid, the next I’m talking about my next stim cycle. It’s like “Whaaa?” Absolutely sticking to the truth that better days are ahead.

  2. I’m right there with you, friend. I cried a lot today. On the way to work and then again on the way home. Not sure how I didn’t cry at my desk, to be honest with you. xoxo

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