April 26, 2012

What a good day.

Well, as I shared previously, I visited the dermatologist about three weeks ago because I was going through a stage of paranoia. Ha. Yes, I guess that’s what it was. Without delving into my medical, psychological history, I will share with you that my struggle in life is my mind. It can go ANYWHERE. That is where Satan attacks me, and with all the baby drama—and it having come to a short pause—I have become increasingly worried, scared, burdened. Yucky, yucky emotions. The Lord is really … teaching me to trust Him and His Word. It’s been a long journey, and there are thousands of more miles to run to complete this race. Boy oh boy. Anywho, some of my coworkers were casually discussing their past and current visits to the dermatologist. Enter: “Maybe I should go to the dermatologist annually. I do have fair skin. Hmm … Oh, I don’t really want to open that can of worms. SKIN CANCER. NOOOOO!!!!” You get the idea. So I ignored this feeling inside me to make an appointment with a dermatologist; then a week later, the feeling came back. Was there anything specific I was worried about? No, nothing at all. My mind Satan was controlling me. So … I went to the dermatologist, and she found a little gem on my back. A pretty little thing that has been there for at least three years. Of course, my husband wasn’t worried about it as it’s been there for what seems like forever. I got freaked out because the doctor gave me a prescription for some topical medication and wanted to see me back in three weeks. She told me what she thought it was (harmless) but just wanted to follow-up. I said, “So, there’s nothing to worry about … yet.” She says, “No, not yet.” Oh Heavenly Father, I don’t like that word “yet.” But did I worry? People, this is me we’re talking about it! Yes, I worried! I was in the dumps for about a week, felt better for a week, then was horrified of my upcoming appointment this week. All the while, my husband STILL knew it was absolutely, positively harmless.

And it is. It’s nothing. It’s healing. It’s not skin cancer. Thank you, Jesus.

So, what have I learned? Through all the crap in life, maybe I’m just lucky to be alive and well. Perhaps—in the moments of my deepest despair—I shouldn’t wish harm upon myself. Maybe—with as heartbreaking as life can be—I should be happy to have the things and people God has given me.

It’s almost been a year since my infertility was initially discovered. My initial plan was to have been pregnant by now. Well, I’m not. What can I say?

I am slowly feeling “okay” about it all, though. I don’t mind seeing or hearing news of pregnancies or newborn babies.

That whole glass half empty thing? That has got to go; it’s something else the Lord has shed light on. My attitude.


2 thoughts on “April 26, 2012

  1. I struggle with this a lot too. I was actually diagnosed with Somatoform Disorder several years ago. It’s not fun. And infertility is definitely my worst nightmare when it comes to this… the goal with SD is to ignore mild to moderate twinges, aches, pains, etc in the body… not to dwell on them, not to wonder about them, etc. As you can imagine TTC is basically at war with SD at all times. I went through a really rough period about nine months ago where I was SURE I had some debilitating disease or cancer and that this was the real reason I couldn’t get pregnant… cue multiple doctors appointments. It’s so tough to deal with all of this, let alone all of it at the same time! Glad the skin issue turned out to be nothing!

  2. Oh my gosh, Amanda. I have not been diagnosed with SD, but I have real anxiety, and I cannot even imagine what you went/go through having that disorder … on top of infertility. I am way too aware of my body, and I go through rough phases of anxiety/depression when something “sticks” and I can’t get it out of my head. My husband calls it my deep, dark hole of despair. Thank you for sharing this with me. You know what has really helped me? Acupuncture. I know, I know. It is expensive and weird. I had heard so much about it regarding infertility, which is why I initially decided to go. Obviously, I can’t “feel” my egg quality improving, but what I do feel is a large decline in my anxiety. My blood pressure was actually normal BEFORE my last egg retrieval (which is, as you know, surgery). I don’t have those heart palpitations much anymore. It’s just better, though I do still struggle (and I just REALLY want it to improve my egg quality). Regarding the skin cancer thing, I actually did end up having to get that spot on my back removed earlier this year. It wasn’t cancer, though … yet. Ugh, and this shit was in between my first fresh and first frozen transfers. Oh well, it’s dealt with now. My therapist and I came up with a game plan for future health worries/obsessions, though, so I try to remind myself of that. But it is hard. I can totally see how battling SD and infertility is literally a living hell. Blessings to you, Amanda; you girls are always in my prayers (right along with my egg quality ;).

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