Emotional Status: Rage

Yesterday I got that anxious, out-of-control feeling.

I hate that feeling.

What’s worse is I got a nice break from it last week because I went home to see my family. Certain places and atmospheres and people just take my mind off everything. Yes, infertility = everything. But—ever faithful—“it” crept up again yesterday.

What if I don’t get my period right away and can’t start everything on time? My nurse says if I ovulated and my estrogen is low I can start stims. Was I supposed to ovulate on Provera? I DON’T OVULATE! What if I didn’t ovulate? I thought ovulation preceded the luteal phase which was the crucial phase for this protocol, but Provera gave me a luteal phase. So I don’t need to ovulate, right? What if my body doesn’t cooperate? Even worse, what if I freak out over every little thing for no reason … no reason because maybe it won’t even work …?

So here I am wishing my days away again. On the brink of Friday, I started wishing the weekend were over with already. Because, who cares? What’s the point of Friday or the weekend anyway? It’s not like any exhilarating weekend activity can be that good … because I wouldn’t be sharing it with my whole family. The family I’m supposed to have.

And seeing a youthful, cute woman today at Panera Bread with her one- and two-year-old sons didn’t completely rip my heart out or anything. That’s supposed to be me. I’m supposed to be buying a yummy bagel for breakfast because I can actually eat carbs because my eggs don’t suck. I’m supposed to be holding my one-year-old son and looking after my toddler while he explores. I’m supposed to be talking about fire trucks with my toddler son. THAT’S SUPPOSED TO BE ME, GOD! WHAT THE F*** DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?!

Today sucks. Infertility sucks. My body sucks. I hate my life.

And now I’m crying at work.

8 thoughts on “Emotional Status: Rage

  1. Argh, I hate those days so much 😦 it’s ok to feel like that sometimes, and to hate everyone/everything, and to want to crawl in bed and hide… praying something comes along to redeem your day and make you smile today, though. Keep your chin up, friend. And if you’ve never heard it, I recommend you go listen to “He Said” by Group 1 Crew. Helped get me through some of the harder days after my miscarriage last year, so hopefully it will do the same for you!

    • Wow, Allison. Thank you for sharing that song with me. I hope this doesn’t come out the wrong way, but sometimes I am shocked at how strong the Lord thinks I am.

  2. Ughh, I hate days like this! I’m so, so sorry! And I hate feeling like I don’t understand what’s going on, don’t understand what the nurse is saying, don’t know what will happen if X, Y, and X don’t occur… Praying for peace and that everything will work out EXACTLY as planned. Hang in there girl! Hugs!!!

  3. Sorry for the craptastic day. Blah! I am just now tuning in to your blog, so I don’t know the full story. However, I can tell you this….Provera is used to induce a period (usually when you have NOT ovulated in any given cycle). It is basically just progesterone, which mimics what your body would have been releasing on it’s own during the luteal phase had you ovulated. Then when you stop the pills, the withdrawl of the progesterone is what brings on the start of a new cycle. Not sure when you took the Provera but a new cycle can take 2 days – 2 weeks to start after the last pill is taken.

    Either way, I hope AF shows very soon for you and that your estrogen, or whatever other blood work they need is in perfect range to start. It’s so hard to be patient when taking provera and waiting for that new cycle to start, but I’m sure it will come!

    • Hi Emily! Thanks for your comment. See, that’s what I thought Provera was supposed to do. My docs needed me to ovulate and, therefore, have a normal luteal phase for this protocol. Since I didn’t ovulate this cycle, they prescribed Provera to give me a luteal phase. I took it for 10 days (cycle days 31-40); yesterday was my last pill. Regarding my day 2 blood draw, my nurse mentioned that we’ll start stims if I ovulated and my estrogen is low enough. Maybe she really meant we’ll start stims if my blood indicates I had a luteal phase…? I’m probably just getting caught up in her words rather than the concept. It confused the heck out of me, though, because I don’t ovulate, which is why I took Provera, right? Bleh. Thanks for helping me out, though, and the encouraging words.

      • Yeah, probably just a misunderstanding. They can’t tell if you ovulated from an estrogen draw…only a P4 (progesterone) test can tell you if you O’ed. I do think they are basically just trying to mimic a luteal phase and start a new cycle, which they are achieving, so that’s the important point. It sounds like you are right on track where they want you to be! Now, all you can do it wait. Hang tight darlin! Hoping it starts soon for you!

  4. You are so not alone, my friend! I’m here today wishing my life away just waiting for the next doctor’s appt, blood draw, injection, etc. that will lead me to my IVF retrieval. Thinking of you my friend!!

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