February 12-18, 2013

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

This has been a painful week—and it’s only going to get worse.

I’m so anxious. I don’t know what to think.

Nothing is different!

My mindset isn’t different! I’m supposed to have high hopes this time around! Or—am I supposed to not care this time too because it won’t be different just like all the other months?

But this is IVF! And they transferred a 1AB embryo—whatever the hell that means. And apparently I have a 75 percent chance of success. And I’m only 25 years old.

Will I be one of the lucky ones? I mean—not one of those lucky ones. Those people have no idea how easy they have it—with their beautifully synced reproductive systems.

But—will I be one of the lucky ones whose beta results are positive?

I look at the photo of my embryo every day and am reminded that they transferred a perfectly healthy embryo into my uterus!

Why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to go through this? THIS ISN’T FUCKING FAIR! I hate this. I just want this to be over. I’m so sad and depressed and anxious and stressed out.

This is hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just want to get my anger out. I’m so pissed off right now. Why do I have to go through this hell? What did I do to deserve this?

God—will you answer me?! What did I do?

Why can’t I just get pregnant like normal people—like EVERYONE ELSE?! Why do I have to go through all this heartache and stress? And to top it ALL off, I get to wait two weeks.

Nothing is different. I feel nothing.

Except my boobs are sore.

Nighty night, cuticles.

Is it possible to think about anything else?

Should I just take a damn test?

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

I had a talk with my husband last night. Thankfully, he knows exactly how I feel. It’s kind of nice when someone who really loves you can actually relate to you on an emotional level. I mean, my mom loves me—and her heart aches for my happiness—but she can never understand how I feel. Basically, anyone who hasn’t experienced infertility says the wrong thing all the time.

I guess I’m feeling better than I was yesterday. Well, I started feeling better yesterday at mid-day anyway, but today is better in general—I guess.

My husband told me: You can’t change February 18. It will be what it will be.

He’s right. I can’t change that February 18 is still five days away. On Sunday, I won’t be able to change that it’s “tomorrow.” The day of, I won’t be able to change the results.

My emotions during this phase of my fertility journey are very much like a rollercoaster. I am hopeful, then I fear this cycle won’t be different. I welcome “symptoms” and hope they are pregnancy-related—and proceed to remind myself that symptoms or no symptoms don’t matter.

It’s kind of a nightmare people. But—speaking of which—my God is good and has kept pregnancy dreams far, far away. I mean, I wake up every morning recalling a dream (which usually doesn’t happen, even though I know we dream every night). Some dreams are super clear, others I forget within five minutes of waking up. None of them have been pregnancy-related, that I can recall.

For kicks, here are the symptoms I have been feeling on and off:

  • Headache: Sometimes dull and sometimes requiring Tylenol. Caffeine withdrawal?
  • Sore breasts: They actually feel better today.
  • Dreams that I can recall the next morning or remember having.
  • “Twinges” in my lower abdominal. Dare I say uterus …

I was reading Shady Grove’s website (again) yesterday, and came across a link about stress. Hot dang, they hit the nail right on the head. Although, I didn’t know the stress of infertility was relatable to the stress of heart disease or cancer. Yikes! Here are some of the readings I found interesting from that link:

  • “Acute stress, caused by a single event (or your fear of it), makes your heart beat faster and your blood pressure go up. You breathe harder, your hands get sweaty, and your skin feels cool and

    • I’ve experienced acute stress for sure. My blood pressure is all over the place. Last week at my transfer it was at 144 over 80-something; the second reading was at 138. I’ve had those moments of rapid heartbeat; they freak me out a bit. I’m glad to know they’re just stress-related and not you-have-a-heart-problem-related.
    • “Is stress causing my infertility? Probably not.”
      • Ha! I love this. Screw all you people who think you know everything. Although—as the website says—stress can cause hormonal changes and affect ovulation or lack thereof in some women, it doesn’t make someone infertile. I knew it! So all those people who told me to relax when I couldn’t have a baby; didn’t have the money for IVF; still don’t have the money for IVF; had to deal with incompetent idiots regarding my reproductive health and—well—overall health (RULING OUT CANCER) of my husband; had to coordinate with insurance to refer me to Shady Grove EVEN THOUGH I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO GET PREGNANT IN TWO YEARS; the list goes on—those people can shove it. First, how can’t you be stressed? Second, HOW CAN’T YOU BE STRESSED???!!!
      • “Is infertility causing my stress? Maybe. Many women who are being treated for infertility have as much stress as women who have cancer or heart disease.”
        • I can honestly say that I am thankful it’s infertility versus cancer. Therefore, I believe the stress of cancer would be wayyy worse. But it is sad that some women experience that amount of stress. I mean, infertility is beyond heartbreaking. To date, it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with, but I think I’d be a lot more stressed dealing with cancer.


So, there you have it. Infertility sucks more than you can imagine.

I’m angry now.

I just really hope this works—the first time. I’m really looking forward to closing this chapter in my life.

I’m ready for complete closure.

This has been such a nightmare to deal with. I can’t explain the level of depression, anxiety, stress, heartache that infertility causes. You do everything you can; you spend all the money you have; you sacrifice as much as you can; and this is the reward. It just doesn’t add up to me. I mean, people have babies for FREE! That is such a foreign concept to me. I wouldn’t give up everything, but I would give up A LOT to have that gift.

I know, I know. I wouldn’t appreciate it as much.

But still …

I’m closer than I’ve ever been—and that scares the living daylights out of me.

Monday, February 18, 2013

I guess you never know how strong you really are until you awake with a heart full of hope, hear the news you were fearing this whole time, sit in silence … but are still able to cry and be thankful for the love you have in your life.

It feels good to cry.

IVF cycle #1 failed.


3 thoughts on “February 12-18, 2013

  1. Even though the outcome of this cycle was apparent long before you published this entry, I still share your pain and disappointment reading about it in retrospect.

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