June 7-27, 2013: I’m NOT Pregnant Anymore

Friday, June 7, 2013

Honestly, distraction from it helps. It actually helps a lot. During my vacation two weeks ago, I was reminded that life can be just fine—perfect—still. Okay, okay—that was on vacation. But still.

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I know every woman is different; I know every cycle is different; I know every embryo is different. Yada yada yada. But I feel the positive vibes, I guess. Do positive vibes even do anything?

Maybe I’m just excited. I’m also scared. I hate the part where I can’t control anything. Right now I—or my doctor—can control everything.

I don’t like cheese right now. You will probably never know me to say this again.

OH INFERTILITY. Same shit; different day.

Actually, I don’t know what I want to eat anymore. It’s very frustrating because I have this passion for food. I don’t deserve to not be obese with my passion for food. But I’ll take all the blessings I can get, right?

Anyway, this verse means something to me. It actually means everything to me because the fear I have—the fear I always have—is rooted in my past experiences, my past heartache.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” (Isaiah 43:18-19)

My egg retrieval will probably be Tuesday. My transfer will probably be next Sunday.

Third time’s the charm?

Please?

*** August 14, 2013: Amanda pointed this verse out to me in her first Mother’s Day reflection post. Thanks, Amanda.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Depressed. Hopeless. Sad. Heartbroken. Empty.

I don’t know what to do if this can’t work. Can it work?

Why do I have to deal with this?

Why does this exist?

How can I move on with my life?

When will I move on with my life?

What will my life be like in one year? In three years?

I just want this to be over.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

I am pregnant.

No, I don’t know what to say.

My armpits are sweaty, I have a dull throb in my head, my appetite is shot as I shove grapes down my throat. After all, it’s time for my second dose of Metformin for the day.

I have waited over two years to write those words: “I am pregnant.”

I am amazed. I am thankful. I am so happy. I am calm.

I feel the same, but then I realize the weight is gone. I haven’t felt it lift yet, but it is gone.

At 12:18 p.m. today I started peeing on a stick, and at 12:21 p.m. there was—undoubtedly—a second line.

I will have more later; right now, I am just in shock. I don’t know what to say.

*** August 14, 2013: Unfortunately, I started losing this pregnancy two days later. This post concludes my Before My Blog series.

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3 thoughts on “June 7-27, 2013: I’m NOT Pregnant Anymore

  1. I give you so much credit for reliving those pre-blog days. I’ve thought about it, but right now, I can’t even get through the present day posts without breaking down. I really admire your strength and now that it’s difficult to revisit the past. Thinking of you!

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