March 25 Through April 10, 2013

Monday, March 25, 2013

This last week has been hard.

What would I rather feel? Sadness and heartache or incessant fear?

Last Monday I went to the dermatologist for an annual skin check. I left that appointment in a very different mental/emotional state than I thought I would.

He thought I had skin cancer on my back. Yes, that spot I wrote about last year.

Last week was filled with fear, anxiety and a burden on my shoulders. Monkey-on-my-back of the week.

Well, it’s not skin cancer—praise God. I do have to have it—or some of it—removed on Wednesday; but it’s not cancer.

And yet, not 12 hours after I finally discover this good news, I’m worried about this lump on my head. Is it even a lump? What the hell is it? For that, I also saw a doctor last year. And—I saw another doctor about five months later. But—because I have this sick obsession with torturing myself—I am scared about it again. So, all weekend I was trying to find other lumps on my head. I couldn’t really find any, but I did find another tender spot. So, when I go to a different dermatologist for treatment on Wednesday, I will ask him about these spots.

Then I can only hope that I will stop driving myself crazy.

I’m also waiting to hear back from a psychiatrist. I’d much rather take antidepressants, but “I’m going to have a baby,” she says (while rolling her eyes).

Speaking of which, my frozen embryo transfer is next Wednesday. Crazy—six weeks came and went. Right now, we are doing estrogen injections every other night. I say “we” because my husband does all the work prepping the injection, then I just bend over and take it. Haha, I asked my nurse last week, “So these are intramuscular injections, so I inject them in the rear end area, right?” She says (and I can hear the smile in her voice), “Well, I hope your husband will inject it in your rear end area.” Oh heavens, I love that woman.

Speaking of rear end area and intramuscular injections: They are supposed to hurt really bad. But—they don’t hurt. In fact, I might prefer them over the tummy injections.

So, my mind has been preoccupied with fears that I’m going to die from some crazy disease.

I’d prefer a different form of R&R from fertility-related thoughts. Actually, I think I’d just prefer fertility-related thoughts.

Watch, I’ll finally get pregnant but won’t be able to enjoy it because another monkey will attach. I hate myself sometimes.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Today is my frozen embryo transfer.

On February 22, I tried to convince myself that April 3 wasn’t that far away. And it kind of wasn’t.

I’m excited.

I am just praying I don’t receive a horrible phone call from my doctor telling me the embryo didn’t make it to thaw. But—that’s not going to happen.

I don’t know if it’s because FETs are way less intense (in terms of what the body goes through), or this is my second try. I don’t know if it’s peace that God is giving me, or I’ve just dealt with some crappy issues the past few weeks so this hasn’t been the absolute center of the universe.

Okay—maybe I feel like I’ve already survived the obligatory failed IVF … so I have no more dues to pay. I mean, people always warn you, “Sometimes it doesn’t work on the first try.” Actually it can and it does, but that issue is now dealt with for me.

I’m so happy my husband is able to go with me. It will really feel special to see our little embryo on the screen and hold hands while it’s transferred!

I don’t know; I just have a good feeling about this.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

I’m feeling doubtful today.

I was hoping these emotions wouldn’t surface. Maybe it’s because I’m stuck here in a window-less room.

I feel like it’s not okay to cry or be scared because it will open up a jar of emotions—a never-ending stream of all things dark. But I kind of feel like crying. Okay, now I am crying.

At least I’ll survive.

*** August 14, 2013: My FET failed. Insanity at work, my upcoming vacation and the opportunity to create more beautiful embryos in June (Ha, NOT!) offered some relief during this time, thankfully.

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