The Lupron is Talking

What do you think of Facebook pregnancy announcements … besides the fact that they suck?

Pregnancy is obviously an exciting time in a woman’s—or couple’s—life. I mean, obviously, or else we wouldn’t be paying thousands of dollars and shedding millions of tears to achieve it, right?

Given that it is a very exciting time—like a vacation, wedding, graduation, etc.—people want to share the news with their friends!

I don’t think the majority of the population thinks about infertility. I don’t think people realize how very prevalent it is. I don’t think that’s their fault. I honestly don’t expect the general population to understand or think twice before posting a pregnancy announcement on Facebook.

Sure, it hurts to find out ANOTHER WOMAN IS PREGNANT. But—they’re just fertile people who don’t have a clue.

What about the “friends” who do have a clue, though? And when I say “friends,” I mean actual friends—not just Facebook connections. What about the people in our lives whom we’ve shared this very painful information with? What do you think about them posting pregnancy announcements on Facebook?

There I go again—thinking only about myself. Oh, infertility—how self-centered it makes me. I’ll admit it. But really …

In our friends’ defense, I understand this is a special time in their lives, and they want to share it with their friends and post it on their Facebook page. I get it. I know. Whatever.

BUT CAN YOU PLEASE SPARE ME THE HEARTACHE AND HIDE ME FROM YOUR #%(*#^)Q$*&Q)(*$#) FACEBOOK PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I guess that’s all I’m asking.

Does it even cross their minds?

But then I think, “Would it have ever crossed mine?”

Did I post way too much about my wedding while Facebook friends were recovering from broken or ended relationships?

Is there something I have that others don’t for which I am ungrateful or post about and, therefore, bring someone else heartache?

I promised myself a loooong time ago that I would not post pregnancy announcements on Facebook because the possibility of it bringing heartache to a Facebook “friend” isn’t worth it. Obviously, if I knew someone who was struggling, it wouldn’t even cross my mind for a second. I would at least hide that person from seeing my post (or posts … and more posts … and, well, more posts after that).

I guess my point is that Facebook pregnancy announcements are going to happen, and the heartache they bring to women who suffer from infertility is inevitable. I don’t know about you, but I can’t blame those who A. don’t really ever think about infertility or realize it exists on a medical level and not just a “Just relax.” level, or B. know that infertility exists but don’t think any of their Facebook “friends” suffer from it.

But the friends who do know? Who have known?

Those who’ve asked questions and gathered all the details?

Those who relish in their happy news with all their Facebook friends WHO JUST HAVE THE BEST LIVES EVER—yet fail to reach out and ask how everything is going with you and … oh, I don’t know … all your failed IVF cycles.

Better yet, they get pregnant and then proceed to live their lives pretending you no longer exist because it’s just too hard and uncomfortable for them to be real and just acknowledge it.

This is difficult for me to figure out because I honestly don’t know what I would have done. Sure, it’s easy for me to say they are selfish, not very good friends, hurtful. But—then again—maybe it’s just me.

I don’t know how to decipher it, but I know this is very common. These predicaments make it very difficult to share your struggle with family and friends. You present them with your deepest heartache in all your vulnerability, and some people care and ask questions and listen and offer words of encouragement and say, “I can’t even imagine. I’m so sorry.” Others? They don’t want to understand, don’t care about it, don’t ask questions, and compare their situation to yours because they haven’t gotten pregnant during the six months they haven’t been preventing it … and then get pregnant and act like it’s the greatest thing in the world—BECAUSE IT IS AND THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU AND THAT’S WHY IT HURTS ME SO MUCH THAT I CAN’T HAVE THAT—and post alllll about it on Facebook, knowing very well that you will see every. single. post.

So, what do you think about Facebook pregnancy announcements? Ha!

Aaaaaand as they say: In other news, my doctor has put me on Depot Lupron for 60 days. I got my first 30-day shot on September 12. Since the end of the 60 days will be mid-November, my husband and I have decided that we’d rather not ruin the holidays and are going to hold off on stim cycle #4 until after December 29 (the day we arrive back home from our Christmas trip to Colorado).

I have no idea what plan my doctor has for my ovaries. All I know is that he—just like my husband—hasn’t given up on them. So, I’m guessing I will be on birth control a good portion of December in preparation for a stim cycle in January. As far as what I’ll do to bridge the Lupron-birth control gap in November? I don’t know, but my doctor knows we want to wait until after the holidays and isn’t worried about bridging that gap. Maybe I’ll just have a natural cycle—who knows.

My WTF appointment is on October 4—five days before my 26th birthday. Birthdays aren’t so great anymore when you find yourself a year older—another year older than what you thought you’d be when having your first baby. I definitely didn’t think I’d be 26—more like 23. Then again—I’m not holding my breath for 26.

The day before my 25th birthday was the day I met my doctor and nurse at Shady Grove.

My next stim cycle will be just about one year (to the day) after my very first stim cycle.

On New Years Eve 2012, I truly believed 2013 would bring me the greatest joy.

When hanging up our Christmas stockings last year I really, really thought we’d have to buy another one for our baby this year.

At least my husband has spared me a trip to Florida over Thanksgiving because two of his cousins are pregnant right now—one due in October, one due in December. It wasn’t supposed to matter because I was supposed to be pregnant too.

My embyro from—not my first cycle of not preventing; not my first cycle of trying; not my first cycle of Clomid; not my first IUI, but—my first IVF cycle was supposed to be a baby scheduled to arrive in October.

I’m blaming my mood on Lupron.

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20 thoughts on “The Lupron is Talking

  1. I think you hit the nail on the head right here: “Did I post way too much about my wedding while Facebook friends were recovering from broken or ended relationships?” The answer to the friend who is still waiting for her husband, praying for her husband, or who is in the midst of a bitter divorce is YES.

    I never thought about it either, because I was later than most of my friends getting married. It felt like I deserved it. But the truth is, there were and still are some girls who probably wanted to stab me over my engagement and wedding posts.

    My heart was CRAZY bitter over the Facebook baby posts for a long time. It hurt like hell, I’d cry like a baby, and then I’d hate myself for being so bitter. I finally decided that I can’t stop others from having babies, and the truth is that if I’m ever pregnant, my mom and husband will be ALL OVER facebook even if I choose not to… the comments and likes will not escape me. All I can do is try to draw attention to infertiltiy with my story and to the Lord for his grace.

    In the meantime though, I can do something about my heart. I listened to a sermon recently called the Comparison Trap by Andy Stanley and I felt really good about the decision I made a year or so ago… he validated what I’ve learned. Celebrating someone else’s win doesn’t simply support them, it changes you. I MAKE myself post congratulations to every pregnancy and birth announcement. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always want to, and I NEVER post to the actual message (I would then be reminded all day long by all of the follow up messages), but I post directly to his/her wall! I won’t say that I don’t feel sad. I certainly still fight off jealousy, but it is slowly changing my heart.

    All of that to say this: you’re not going to change your friends, and you’re certainly not going to change FB… you can either delete it or find a way to live with it. Don’t let FB rob you of your heart!

    • Amanda, you are far better than I am!!! I’m glad you shared this with me. That sermon is definitely something to listen to. And you’re right, I can’t stop people from having babies and talking about it. They are going to share their joy with others, and I can’t blame them for that. That just wouldn’t be fair to them. I am choosing to be part of the Facebook world, so I have to learn to deal with it. What hurts most, though, is when friends whom I’ve confided in post it all over the place and don’t think to hide me from it. I don’t know; maybe it’s a perspective I’ve gained from going through this and can’t expect fertile people to understand.

      • Can I be super honest? I’ve had FB since the beginning and I don’t have a clue how to hide a post from a particular person. I’m not saying she doesn’t, but she MIGHT not. I agree though… friends who know should show some sensitivity if they want to call themselves friends. Thinking of you!

      • Hahaha! That is a good point, Amanda. There’s a good chance she doesn’t know how. Again, I struggle with this issue and am thankful for all your (and everyone’s) input.

  2. Yep, facebook blows. I avoid it like the plague because of all you mentioned.

    I got burned really bad on facebook last year by “friends” who were expecting. Like yours, these friends were not only fully aware of what we were going through, they listened to me cry in my kitchen one night about “I’m scared we’ll never ever have kids” Like seriously, they knew all about our heartache. In fact, this woman came to me when a the doctor told her her hormone levels were off (before they ever even tried) and I basically told her everything she needed to know to chart, pinpoint ovulation, and get pregnant. Well, she got pregnant on the first try. Yippee for her.

    I found out I was going to lose my second pregnancy the day they found out the sex of their baby. They were in contact with us the whole time and KNEW EXACTLY how heartbroken we were. We had posted an update on facebook ourselves to family just saying, “xyz is happening. It’s a very hard time for us, but thank you all for the support.” So what does this couple do? They post an album full of celebratory gender reveal pics within 24 hours of our sad pitiful post….and of course you know that shit appeared smack at the top of my newsfeed with about a bazillion congratulatory comments for them. Never have I felt so pissed and hurt and unimportant as a “friend” in all of my life. Still pisses me off to even think about it.

    Anyways, sorry for the book, but just want you to know that you aren’t alone. Even people who are “aware” of what you’re going through don’t get it unless they’ve gone through it. Heck, even some infertile women forget…which really takes the cake. Not all of course, but many do. I swear that I will never forget what this journey is like and will squash my joy for any infertile woman any day if it saves her a tear.

    Like you said though, there is always something someone else wants….maybe my single friends were saddened every time they saw a vacation pic with my hubby being posted. Infertility really does make you have more compassion and stop and think of others more, that’s for sure.

    • Emily, thanks for sharing this with me. Some people are unreal. I can try and give my friends the benefit of the doubt by thinking they just don’t understand and don’t realize what they’re doing. The stuff your friends did, though? That is just hurtful. I can’t believe people sometimes. I know they all think getting pregnant is sooo easy; all of you have to do is relax, go on a vacation, etc. Sometimes I feel like they don’t take us seriously. And if/when they do take us seriously, it’s when THEY’RE pregnant because now they care about babies and pregnancy and motherhood. And I totally know what you mean about not forgetting. I will seriously never forget. It is ingrained in me, and I get so mad when recovering infertiles act like all the fertile people all of a sudden and forget how it felt. Ugh, it’s just hard.

  3. It’s funny. While I’ve been on this road of IF for going on 3 years, I was on this road 6 years ago with my best friend. Supporting her during her IF struggles. I learned my fair share on her journey, not my own. While I would have never thought in a million years that I would end up in the exact same position, every single thing I said or did, I considered her feelings.

    I have also had a friend that literally took me to dinner so she could give me great news…SHE’S PREGNANT!! She knows what I’ve gone through. A simple text would have sufficed instead of making me feel trapped at a restaurant full of people. I’ve also had FB friends that have announced pregnancies at 6-8 weeks. Because to them, a positive pregnancy test = a baby.

    I’m resigned to the fact that some people don’t get it and in all honestly, probably don’t really think about me. The ones that do…there pregnancies are much easier for me to handle. The ones that don’t, I tend to resent more. So I get it.

    I also hide a lot of people on facebook. 😉

    Depot Lupron is a BITCH!! No doubt it’s sending your hormones into overdrive. Hang in there, the end result will be worth it!!

    • Suzanne, thanks for reaching out. Like I said to Emily’s comment, some people are just unreal. How insensitive can they possibly be? I mean, you’re living proof that it’s possible to know someone is going through infertility hell and be sensitive toward that person even if you’re not (or don’t know that you will) going through it. Okay, so I’m not crazy. We can comfort our heartbroken friends and NOT turn around and Facebook-post everything about having that thing our heartbroken friend doesn’t have. Okay, the dinner announcement situation you described? Oh. my. gosh. That is just mean. Thanks for the well wishes with Lupron … I’ll pass them on to my hubby lol!!!

  4. The Facebook thing is hard. Its us and its them. It just sucks. I’m not too articulate today but I’m trying my best. Question for you…how do you have so much money at 26 to pay for 4 cycles? We have decent jobs but I’m probably priced out of the game after one cycle at CCRM. Hope it’s not too personal…if so ignore. I’m just wondering if I need to move to a different state, manage my finances better, be independently wealthy? It’s a question I always wondered when I see people go through 4-7 rounds of IVF.

    • You’re right, the Facebook thing just sucks. Oh my goodness, I looked at the CCRM prices recently and can TOTALLY understand why you’re wondering about the cost of my treatment. I go to Shady Grove Fertility in the Washington D.C. metro area. They have a Shared Risk Program where you pay a flat fee for six cycles (fresh or frozen), but if you don’t take home a baby, you get all your money back. The fee is $20k and a few thousand more dollars for ICSI. We thankfully received a discount on this price based on our 2010 and 2011 income; I was the only one working during those years while my husband went to law school. We are paying this fee through a loan. Medications for each cycle aren’t free, so we deal with those costs as they come. After my husband graduated in May 2012, we moved from Virginia Beach to D.C. for the sole purpose of better paying jobs so we could support the cost of IVF. I am thankful we could just pack up our lives and do that. I guess when you’re desperate, no matter what age, you’ll do whatever it takes.

  5. I have an unofficial ranking system for who deserves to be pregnant and who does not. Obviously, almost everyone on Facebook is on the not list. I spent the summer enduring complaining prego updates from a friend that got pregnant while cheating on her live in boyfriend. After her baby was born 6 weeks early (which I am entirely convinced that she did something to induce early labor) she posts daily updates regarding her sleep deprivation and romance problems. Why don’t I unfriend her or at least hide her updates? I don’t know, maybe I’m a masochist. This is what I do know, you don’t have to feel bad for resenting those people. You are not a bad person, you’re not the kind of person that generally can’t be happy when other people get something you want. This is a very specific and painful part of your journey and the last thing you need to do is feel guilty for resenting those people. As far as I’m concerned, eff those bitches, you can feel however you want until you finally get that take-home baby you worked so hard for.

    • You know what? You’re right: Eff them. Gosh, it feels good to just come right out with it! I don’t know if that makes me a bad person; maybe it does. But they should try walking a mile in our shoes. I’m sure some of them would be a lot more resentful than I. And I know what you mean about the masochist thing; I could just delete my Facebook and not deal with it, but I loooove torturing myself lol.

      • The only blog I have is the imaginary one in my head to which I mentally narrate my life without actually putting pen to paper/ fingers to keyboard. I actually reserved a blog address and never pulled the trigger on posting. Perhaps I should?… I do have an Instagram, but if you’re not already on IG, that can be a whole ‘nother irritation of Facebook proportions at times.

  6. We are both at such similar points in this shitty journey, it’s scary. We want to be happy, yet acknowledge that being “happy” is not necessarily in our reach because having a baby is what our minds constitute as having that happiness.

    I think about all of the things you mentioned in your post, and have wanted to address the facebook issue for a long time… but unlike you, I’m a coward and don’t feel like I can post about it because I have “friends” who read my blog and don’t want to stir the pot more than it currently is….

    I finally had a very long phone conversation (over an hour) with a very close friend of mine- a best friend if you will. A short rewind…. we’re talking we’ve been friends since 3rd grade, went to college together, were both in one another’s weddings… my husband and I even drove all the way to FL from TX last summer for a weekend-long surprise 30th birthday celebration that her hubby had for her. I look back and wonder if I should have been more open with her, because, when the phone rang last October and I cried to her after finding out that a close coworker of mine told me that she and her husband were going to start “trying”, my friend finally told me that she was pregnant- that she had to start telling people because she was starting to show. I cried, I sobbed, but I told her I was happy and excited for her. I truly WAS even though it might have been difficult to believe based on my reaction. In November, we began our first IVF cycle, my transfer was at the beginning of December, and 1 week before Christmas, I found out I WASN’T pregnant. We went home to NY, and it was the most awful time for me. I had to lie to my friend, saying that we wouldn’t be home for her baby shower, when in reality, there was just no way that I could handle it. I don’t know if she would have understood, but I didn’t have it in me to rehash what I just went through, when this was such a blissful time for her. Now, almost a year later, we are trying to patch up what’s left of our 20+ year friendship. I don’t think much came of the talk we finally had because she can’t (or won’t) accept the fact that I’m entitled to struggle through this…

    You know, there isn’t a handbook that tells us how to handle each and every curveball WHIPPED in our direction. There aren’t rules in this crazy game…. we have to make things up as we go along.

    So, after the novel I just wrote, I want to say that you ARE allowed to feel this way, Allison. Lupron or no lupron, I get every single thing you just said and am sending you a huge hug. xo

    • Sarah, no apologies for the “novel”; it’s not even a novel anyway, girl. 🙂 I love reading everyone’s input. It’s a sanity check for me. Gosh, there infertility goes again just taking and taking … and taking some more … even our friendships? Really?! It pisses me off so much. What’s so tricky about infertility is women who don’t experience it, JUST don’t get it. It’s sooo hard to deal with and very few people can understand and accept that. I’m so sorry you have been through a rough patch with your best friend. In my opinion, she should offer you a bit more grace. After all, she’s the one who’s gained while you’ve lost. You’re not being a bad friend; you’re just protecting your heart. I don’t think they understand that it’s more than jealousy or envy or nasty feelings. It is heartbreaking, and when we say, “I just can’t,” we reeeeally can’t. They don’t get it. And you’re right, there are no rules; we just have to figure this shit out as we go along.

  7. I figured it out!!

    So… this is exactly why I deactivated my facebook account over a year ago. I just could not take it. I couldn’t handle it. My friends are having their second and third babies while I’m still trying for my first. Their initial announcements hurt me so badly that I just couldn’t imagine still being on facebook and seeing their announcements for their other kids. I just can’t do it to myself. Sort of like baby showers… I just can’t go… I just can’t. Not right now. xoxo

    • Aubrey, I’m strongly considering deactivating mine. The problem is that I really do interact with people whom I wouldn’t if it weren’t for Facebook. It’s a give and take, and I have to make a choice. Lord knows – of everyone – we’ve learned the ropes of compromise, right? And, girl, I can’t do it either. And that’s okay.

  8. Yes! Facebook pregnancy announcements suck! After this last cycle I am consciously trying to not get on fb too much to avoid having to deal with this. I am hiding more and more people, so I don’t have to read about their lives that revolve around their kids and having more and more kids.

    Going through infertility has definitely made me more aware of what I am putting out there on facebook. I don’t want to make someone feel bad who may be single or divorced or whatever. It is not that important to post things at the expense of hurting someone who may be truly struggling with something. If I had a great vacation, I may post one picture. I don’t need the world to know how great it was to validate my vacation or validate me. If someone wants to really see all our pictures, I can send them to them one on one.

    I would like to smack all the women who complain on facebook about their pregnancies and how hard it is to raise small children. It may be hard, but there are so many of us who would kill to be in that “hard” position. It must be rough getting pregnant whenever you decide to.

    It makes me sad to read all of the experiences of insensitive people. In the end, those of us going through this need to protect ourselves in order to get through it, so whether that is losing a friend, deleting fb, or whatever, we shouldn’t feel bad about it, although it will never be fair!

    Love your blog! I often think I could copy and paste it to mine because it seems you write exactly what I’m thinking. Thanks and wishing you the best!

    • I totally agree with you. Validating our lives or experiences on frickin’ Facebook isn’t worth hurting other people. I think we (the infertiles) learn a lot more about how life works and how to treat people because of what we go through. We are just more sensitive toward others – I know I am. And I don’t mean that in a, “I’m a better person than you,” kind of way. But, we just understand matters of the heart better. And, yea, we have to do whatever we need to protect our hearts. Friendships that are lost because of it probably weren’t valuable friendships anyway. And maybe they were – but that’s life, I guess. Ugh, don’t even get me started on idiots who complain about anything that has to do with pregnancy and/or babies.

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