I’m thankful my husband and I don’t work for the government—thank God. That would be one hell of a cherry on top of everything else, right? I can’t even imagine.
I am bummed we probably can’t go to Shenandoah National Park this weekend, but many people are dealing with MUCH bigger issues.
Speaking of national parks, we went to Harpers Ferry last Sunday, and it was the best time I’ve had in a while.
I’m also thankful for Lexapro. I wrote about being reeeally sad in this post and mentioned I have a history of mental illness. Well, I finally convinced myself (after talking to my friends, mom, and husband) to ask my nurse about it and schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist. I was worried my nurse would advise me against it, but she was all for it. She’s had to “talk me off the ledge” a few times—so I don’t think it came as a huge surprise. Through her I communicate with my doctor, and he was all for it too.
I’ve been on the medication for a week now and am starting to feel better. I think there was a placebo effect during the first few days, then my mood kind of plummeted for a few days. I’m now starting to feel and think better. My psychiatrist and I agreed that I will stop taking Lexapro for at least the first trimester of pregnancy. Maybe I will withhold for the remainder of the pregnancy; maybe not—but we’ll address that when we get there (which is hopefully soon).
I’m loving this time of year and am actually kind of thankful that I get a break from IVF during this time. It’s hard to not move forward, but I try not to look at it that way. Really, I’m only taking one month off (November to December) because 60 days of Lupron is part of my protocol for the next stim cycle, I suppose. I’m also looking waaayyy ahead … to options beyond the usage of my eggs. My pregnancy could be right around the corner, but I am protecting my heart and thoughts because these last three stim cycles (and the poor quality of my 73 eggs) have burned me pretty good.
I have my follow-up on Friday. I know—four weeks later. My doctor’s schedule books up fast. Usually he squeezes me in for a follow-up within a week or so after a BFN, but there wasn’t a lot to talk about. Okay, that’s not true. There was—and is—much to talk about, but I just needed a break, and there wasn’t a rush anyway. I’ll let you know what he has up his sleeve for next time.
I’m thankful my headaches are gone! I have mini hot flashes sometimes, but they’re not too bad. I am always freezing my butt off. I have a heater in my office and even use it during the summer because normal people indoor temperatures are way too cold for me. Basically, any hot flash I have can’t be that bad—and so far, they haven’t been. My next Lupron shot will be in about 10 tens; hopefully my body is used to it enough, and I won’t get any headaches.
Overall, I’m a bit less burdened; even my husband has noticed. Depression is such a hard thing to address when you suffer from it, but sometimes there’s just no reason to live life in absolute misery. Obviously infertility is hard enough to deal with and doesn’t make life pleasant. I’m not looking for numbing medication to protect me from the disappointment of infertility. It still consumes me, but I’m starting to believe that I can enjoy my life and there will be a way out of infertility. It might not be the way I would have wanted or anticipated, but—one day—it will be over.