Have I told you how much I love my nurse?
Well, I do. A lot. She is a beautiful person. She is like a mother. She cares so much about me. I just love her.
Some people are meant to be nurses … and she’s one of them.
I went to the doctor today for my second Lupron Depot shot. She told me about this national video contest for recovered infertiles who are in the running for $15,000 to send their child/ren to college. One of the videos touched her deeply, made her cry. She reminded me that I’m not alone. She said she knows us girls go through so much, but we have to remember we’re not alone. She kind of shrugged and said, “Unfortunately, you’re not alone.” I would never want to go through this alone, but Lord knows I wouldn’t wish this on you all. Especially you.
She prepped the needle, sat down, and paused. She said, “I think about you all the time, Allison. I think … I just think about …” I don’t know what she was going to say, but I have a feeling she was going to say, “I think about that chemical pregnancy and what could have been.” Then she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “I’m just not going to give up. I’m not giving up.”
I know couples go through cycle after cycle after cycle. I know miracles happen. I know that ONE egg can turn into that ONE blastocyst to form that ONE baby. I know it can happen, but can it happen to me? Are we practicing insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? Or are we digging for that egg, and with each cycle we might be closer?
I don’t know. I can’t get too attached. I can’t get too excited for November. I’m not asking for pick-me-ups or words of encouragement. I don’t need them. I have prepared/am preparing my heart for different options out of this hell.
But—other people (my husband, doctor, nurse to name a few) don’t want to give up. They’re not ready to give up.
It’s not over.
“I’m just not going to give up. I’m not giving up.”