Effing Ridiculous

I don’t know if I’m angry at God …

Of course, if I were Holly, Erika, Nina … just to name a few, I would be pissed at God. Actually, I don’t even know if I would have the emotional capacity to be angry at God.

Why can’t I write the right words to these ladies after reading their thoughts and feelings. What can you write? What is there to write to someone whose dreams have been shattered?

Like Amanda wrote today, the hardest part about infertility … the scariest part about IVF is knowing you’re signing up for potential devastation … heartbreak beyond imagination. That’s what I’m most afraid of the moment I leave the clinic after an embryo transfer.

I’m not going to lie; I’ve had my fair share, personally. It’s been shitty. I’m 26 years old, and I’m on my FIFTH IVF cycle. That’s ridiculous. Heavenly Father, THAT’S RIDICULOUS.

But …

What these women have endured? I literally cannot imagine. I don’t understand why these wonderful, selfless, compassionate women have to endure this hell.

Dear Jesus, nobody cares about “Why?” anymore. The question is “When?” When will this suffering end? For us veterans, a single BFN can sting and cause us to have a crappy week. CD 1 arrives and we move forward with a clean slate. (I know I seem jaded; it’s been a long road.)

But this???

I cannot imagine losing my baby girl twin at 17 weeks gestation … then losing my baby boy twin two or three weeks later.

I cannot imagine preparing for a long-awaited child, feeling confident that this is what the birth mother wants … then having to give your baby back to her birth mother. AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

I cannot imagine losing my sweet baby at 7 weeks due to SCH. A perfectly healthy baby conceived via IVF after her husband beat cancer 15 years ago at a VERY young age. People who get and beat cancer in their 20s don’t deserve to have miscarriages 15 years later, God.

Jesus, when will it stop?

Oh God, the heartache my sisters have endured. Sisters, please know we are here. Please know we’re fighting this with you every step of the way.

Since I’m blogging today, I suppose I can offer an update on my insignificant IVF cycle…?

My final hot flash was last Wednesday. My estrogen has gone from <20 to >2,000 in 10 days.

This stim cycle is going kind of perfectly. This is a solid cycle so far.

My doctor wants me to stim for one more day due to my history; I’ll trigger tomorrow night.

Really, I feel like I’ll find out if I’m pregnant next Tuesday. We could transfer one or two perfect blastocysts … and still not achieve pregnancy. But—really—I think day 5 will reveal the fate of this cycle …


12 thoughts on “Effing Ridiculous

  1. The last few weeks have been so tough… some days I forget to celebrate with my sisters who are getting GREAT news because the awful news seems so overwhelming. I’ve literally cried out praying, “hurry Jesus” multiple times in the last few months because I long for an end to the tears.

    I’m happy to hear that your cycle is going well though. I’ve been thinking of you and hoping for good news! I’m guessing retrieval is Thursday?!? Wishing you the best sweet friend! Hang in there!

  2. I have to say, it’s been really hard not to say fuck a lot of things these last few weeks (months even). I literally have no words for these wonderful ladies that are going through this hell and there are so many more too. It’s not. f’ing. fair.

    I’m so glad that you’re cycle is going so well. I am wishing you the very best…you’ve got this. (and thanks for letting me know who you were on instagram!!) xoxo

  3. You have been such an amazing friend in the short time that I have known you! Your words are always perfect! Even when I get a short text from you saying “this effing sucks!” I know you understand and I feel your love and support. You are right, there is no sense in asking why. There probably isn’t a reason why. But I do know I am infinitely grateful that I have met you. In a more perfect universe we’d be meeting at a mommy and me class, hopefully that’s where we’ll end up together in the end.

  4. I swear you always address exactly what I’m thinking/feeling.

    The last couple of weeks have been complete bullshit, and it’s not okay that despite every hurdle these women overcome, a flippin’ WALL just falls into their paths.

    I’m really excited for you and cannot pray enough that this is THE cycle. Love ya girl, thinking about you every day! xo

  5. It is ridiculous, isn’t it? I am so amazed with all of the women I have met blogging and everything we continue to fight for and go through!

    I am so happy to hear that your cycle is going so great! Let’s get some good news!!!

  6. Yep, effing ridiculous is right. Your progress looks great for your IVF cycle though, and looks right on track for a successful retrieval. Will be stalking to cheery you on throughout the fert report and test results. Hoping and praying you’ll have a reason to celebrate in less than two weeks!

  7. It is truly devastating to hear what these ladies had to experience. I have to agree with you when you state”Dear Jesus, nobody cares about “Why?” anymore. The question is “When?” When will this suffering end?” It breaks my heart to hear about women still suffering after becoming pregnant.

    I’m rooting for you all the way. I’m keeping you in my prayers that things keep progressing for you.

  8. Have you considered CCRM in Colorado?
    Please read the blog Two Hearts and One Dream. That girls also had multiple failed cycles at her local clinic. She finally went to CCRM, had two cycles there (the first one was freeze all) and she is now pregnant! Sometimes changing the clinic can make a huge difference!

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