I don’t know if I’m angry at God …
Of course, if I were Holly, Erika, Nina … just to name a few, I would be pissed at God. Actually, I don’t even know if I would have the emotional capacity to be angry at God.
Why can’t I write the right words to these ladies after reading their thoughts and feelings. What can you write? What is there to write to someone whose dreams have been shattered?
Like Amanda wrote today, the hardest part about infertility … the scariest part about IVF is knowing you’re signing up for potential devastation … heartbreak beyond imagination. That’s what I’m most afraid of the moment I leave the clinic after an embryo transfer.
I’m not going to lie; I’ve had my fair share, personally. It’s been shitty. I’m 26 years old, and I’m on my FIFTH IVF cycle. That’s ridiculous. Heavenly Father, THAT’S RIDICULOUS.
What these women have endured? I literally cannot imagine. I don’t understand why these wonderful, selfless, compassionate women have to endure this hell.
Dear Jesus, nobody cares about “Why?” anymore. The question is “When?” When will this suffering end? For us veterans, a single BFN can sting and cause us to have a crappy week. CD 1 arrives and we move forward with a clean slate. (I know I seem jaded; it’s been a long road.)
I cannot imagine losing my baby girl twin at 17 weeks gestation … then losing my baby boy twin two or three weeks later.
I cannot imagine preparing for a long-awaited child, feeling confident that this is what the birth mother wants … then having to give your baby back to her birth mother. AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.
I cannot imagine losing my sweet baby at 7 weeks due to SCH. A perfectly healthy baby conceived via IVF after her husband beat cancer 15 years ago at a VERY young age. People who get and beat cancer in their 20s don’t deserve to have miscarriages 15 years later, God.
Jesus, when will it stop?
Oh God, the heartache my sisters have endured. Sisters, please know we are here. Please know we’re fighting this with you every step of the way.
Since I’m blogging today, I suppose I can offer an update on my insignificant IVF cycle…?
My final hot flash was last Wednesday. My estrogen has gone from <20 to >2,000 in 10 days.
This stim cycle is going kind of perfectly. This is a solid cycle so far.
My doctor wants me to stim for one more day due to my history; I’ll trigger tomorrow night.
Really, I feel like I’ll find out if I’m pregnant next Tuesday. We could transfer one or two perfect blastocysts … and still not achieve pregnancy. But—really—I think day 5 will reveal the fate of this cycle …