I Don’t Even Know

Okay, below is what I wrote two hours ago:

I care, yes. But I care more about being happy and joyful.

Frankly, I’m more worried about my husband’s feelings.

Now, “my husband” and “feelings” aren’t two words that really … go together, if you will.

He’s a guy; he doesn’t show much emotion. He uses logic—doesn’t gauge things based off his emotions.

So … when I say I’m mostly worried about his feelings, you know it’s bad, girls.

24 eggs were retrieved yesterday. Nine eggs were mature. Four eggs fertilized normally.

I don’t know what to say. It’s pathetic. I’m pathetic. My eggs are pathetic.

I just want a family. I just want a pregnancy.

We are now dipping our toes in the insanity pool. We keep doing this over and over and over and over again … nothing’s different.


Ugh, I’ll get a report tomorrow. You can pray for these four to keep growing normally, or you don’t have to. Whatever.

And, believe me, I’m not trying to bury my feelings or act “cool and collected.”

Admittedly, I might break down in tears later today; I’m not going to deny that.

But, seriously? I’m just over it and don’t really care. I just want to be happy.

The time has passed just like it always does.

I just ask that if you have any ounce of hope for these four early embryos, can you send them your magical dust?

I can’t ask Him anymore.

At this point, if there’s anything worthwhile to transfer on Tuesday, I’ll consider this His big, funny joke … but you won’t find me laughing.

12 thoughts on “I Don’t Even Know

  1. Oh girl, I’m so, so, sorry! I’m sure you are so frustrated! I will be praying for your four embryos this weekend and hoping for an excellent report tomorrow! Please remember: your circumstances do not reflect the way He feels about you… as frustrating as this is, it’s true. Love you, sweet friend! Hugs!

  2. Hi! I read your blog and have been rooting for you. Last August my husband and I had similar results except that we had 17 eggs received instead of 24. One day 3 transfer with the only two viable eggs retrieved later and I’m trying to quietly type this out while our six month old naps in his crib. Don’t give up hoping.

  3. Every last molecule of baby dust I had has already hit the Eastern Seaboard this morning! I wish I had red hair so I could give you my eggs. They seem to be useless for me. I’m thinking about you and your four fighters all the time!

    • Oh Nina I love you! I’ve told my mama and MIL to let me know if they find any petite red heads lol. If my body is going to be this stubborn, hopefully my babies will be too.

  4. I know we all want those big numbers for the retrieval, the fert report, the amount that make it to freeze. But you know what? I am learning it makes not ONE IOTA of difference how MANY you have at each stage. In fact, there are so many women who become pregnant from just one or two lonely little survivors, when they think there is no hope in the world since they “only have one that made it.” Sarah is right! Don’t let the numbers get you down!

  5. Oh Allison, I am praying SO hard for all four of your embryos. I know how tough it is to get reports that you were hoping would be better. Please know I’m thinking of you and I love Sarah’s comment – hold that kind of hope very close to your heart. xoxoxo

  6. I’m so sorry the numbers are not what you were hoping for. I so understand what you want – a family, a pregnancy. I hope there are one or two eggs among those that will make this dream come true.
    I worry about my husband’s feelings, too. It’s hard.
    Sending virtual hugs and many positive thoughts to you.

  7. Oh sweetie. I just want to give you a big hug! I know you know that all it takes is one but it’s true. And think of all the unhealthy embryos that are taken out of the mix. I pray for you everyday. Close your eyes, picture what you want & go all in. Allison – you deserve this. No one has told you no yet. You keep going and it has to happen. Xoxoxo big big hugs!!

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