Where’s the Line?

I’m just looking for the line.

I’m pretty good at taking direction. I’m quite indecisive at times.

As a teenager, I would pine over boys—stupid boys—until my mother finally told me enough was enough.

I need my mother to tell me enough is enough.

I need someone to tell me enough is enough. But—as my dear friend, bodyshopgirl, told me: No one is ever going to tell me that.

I found myself in the same “spot” on December 9 as I was on September 9—plus or minus some snow and Christmas decorations. News of another failed cycle was fresh, and I didn’t want to just try again because “miracles can happen” or “it’s a gamble anyway” or “Saizen might really do the trick” or
“IT ONLY TAKES ONE.” Yea? Well I’ve had 97 eggs retrieved in the last 10.5 months and nada.

Is this some kind of joke? Is this a game to you, ovaries?

Deep down, I know what I WANT to do. But do I deserve what I want? Do I have more dues to pay? How much more time and money do I owe? I need to really suffer and hurt before it gets better, right? Welcome to the mind of someone who suffers from mental illness. Ha! You know what’s funny?! My psychiatrist and I decided I would stop taking Lexapro for at least the first trimester when I received a confirmed BFP. Well, shit. Guess who’s not taking her meds today or tomorrow because—technically—I was or am just a little bit pregnant.

My husband snagged the donor egg program brochure the moment he laid eyes on it. We were in the waiting room at our fertility clinic … waiting to a. have my eggs retrieved or b. have our embryos transferred.

I honestly don’t remember which day he grabbed it. But, does it really matter?

I mean, that’s how hopeless it is.

I’m so over hopeless.

I’m ready for happy shit.

A year ago I thought I’d arrived. Now, I’m back at the beginning. I don’t know what’s next, but whatever it is won’t be for a while … probably close to a year.

And that. just. sucks.


18 thoughts on “Where’s the Line?

  1. Wow that really sucks! I can understand your thinking..when is it enough? I thought about that myself and I haven’t even really started yet to fiddle around with infertility treatments. I think the only one who can tell you when enough is enough is your gut or your significant other. In our relationship my hubby is the fighter and I know we’ll hit the point when enough is enough at some point…I better come up with a plan B! Sending you many hugs and good vibes to get you through these tough times ((hugs))

  2. I can’t fully understand your losses, or the failed IVF’s but I fully understand hearing the “delay” news… I know exactly what that feels like. It was November 2012 when we were told to move on to IVF. It’s been a full year already of waiting, pretending, saving, hoping for us to even come to this spot. I remember EXACTLY how I felt when I was told it would be about 9 months before we could do IVF. I wanted to scream, cry, break things, break my husband more specifically. It was terrible. As we approached 6 months I realized that there was no way we’d make it by 9 months, and honestly the only way we’ll make it 13 months is because we switched clinics. It is so incredibly hard to wait. Thinking of you today and mourning with you what might have been! Hugs!

  3. So sorry sweetie. I have a sinking feeling this FET didn’t work and we’ll be outta chances with IVF as well for now. It’s such a hard thing to contemplate next steps along such a difficult journey that no one would choose for themselves. Just know that you are not alone. We’re all here for you!

  4. I rarely comment on blogs, but felt pulled to post here. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You have been in my thoughts. I know the pain and frustration all too well. Your story reminds me a lot of mine. I also have PCOS and started IVF at 29. I had three failed cycles at my local clinic- bfn each time, with bleeding before my beta. We had had enough, but decided to try a phone consult with Dr. Schoolcraft CCRM. We also consulted with SIRM and Cornell.

    We were both skeptical at first, but CCRM’s treatment of PCOS patients is incredible. I thought going out-of-state to Colorado was crazy at first. The cost is steep as well.

    However, they have a great antagonist protocol which they use for PCOS patients, which includes Metformin and a very slow and steady growth for the eggs- I think this has a big impact on quality. They also do not do any fresh transfers on the PCOS protocol– this is key because the luteal support after a Lupron trigger is hard to maintain. The risk of hyper stimulation under this protocol is far less, which can be a huge concern for PCOS patients.

    We ended up with 7 blasts for genetic testing. In contrast, I had only had one blast ever out of almost 50 embryos at my local clinic and never anything to freeze.

    We also did genetic testing because we wanted answers, and I never thought we would end up with normal embryos, but we did- 3 normal blasts. We are currently 6 weeks pregnant (knock on wood!) and am so thankful someone suggested them to me. I hope I am not being too forward in offering my advice, but I would suggest at least doing a phone consult with them, if just for peace of mind. Ours was free, though I think it depends on what state you live in.

    Praying for you and your husband.

    • Thank you so much for your input! I really appreciate it. I’m so sorry you had to endure all that, but what a blessing you are now pregnant! CCRM is quite impressive …

  5. I’m so sorry, Allison. This is heart-breaking. I know the ache and the longing, the questions and the confusion. You’re in my prayers.

    I came up with a list of eleven blogs and women who are encouraging and deserve an award, and I named you as one of them. Not because you make every post sunshiney–infertility sucks, and that’s the simple truth–but because you’re honest when it hurts and willing to cry out for help when you need it. That is encouraging.

    Thinking of you and praying for you. Trusting that God can bring you light this Christmas season, even when it feels so dark.

    Check out the post – http://theloveliestway.blogspot.com/2013/12/sunshine-award-for-me.html

  6. stopping by from Suzanne’s blog. Hope you don’t mind me throwing in my 2 cents.
    First of all, I’m very sorry it’s been so difficult, that you’ve had to face so much failure. And YES! you should have some happy now.

    We had that brochure in our discouraged hands 2 years ago. And now we have a 9-month-old. I just wanted to weigh in and say that DE changed our lives in the best possible way.

  7. I am so sorry! You have been through so much and you definitely don’t have more dues or anything to pay. I just cried as I thought of you and all these amazing ladies who go through so much to have a baby.
    I would like to send you something, if that is okay… nothing too exciting, but if you could email me your mailing address, I will work on getting it to you 🙂

  8. Oh sweetie. I am just reading about this news. I’m truly sorry you are going through this again. I wish I can do something to take the pain away. You don’t deserve this. I will pray for peace and comfort for you. Hugs!

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