Recently I’ve begun to feel inadequate again. These emotions are similar to how I felt almost three years ago when I found out my LH and FSH hormones were “off” for lack of better terms.
I felt silly and unwomanly. I felt like a broken woman basically. Cute wittle Awwison can’t be a big girl and ovulate…
I got over those feelings of inadequacy. I moved on and became more concerned with what to do next. Treatment, money, timing. Would I have to deal with idiots who really didn’t care about getting me pregnant? How much would all this cost? Will I eventually have to do the big, scary IVF? Surely it wouldn’t get that far, that bad. I got used to those stings after every pregnancy announcement, after seeing a pregnant woman or newborn babe. I just focused on the finish line, didn’t have time to grieve or “process” everything.
Now, way too many cycles later, I feel inadequate again. I’m not good enough. Women who are pursuing IVF AGAIN, women who are miraculously pregnant after their umpteenth cycle, women who are gearing up to stimulate their ovaries – those women are better than I am. They are more of a woman than I am. They’re worthy; they’re chosen; they’re good enough. I’m not. I’m just the broken one pretending to fit in.
I am so excited and hopeful for our next steps. I can’t wait! I have such high expectations, and that’s so refreshing. I understand that life doesn’t always work out the way we planned. In a way, our trials are beautiful and truly make us stronger. I don’t take pride in what I’ve been through. Lord knows I’d much rather be a weaker person who found an easier way out. But, I have changed; I am stronger because I just am. How can you not be? We have no other choice. We can’t stop living when devastation hits. I mean, we can stop living, but that’s another topic. What does strength even mean? I don’t need to be recognized for my strength. What I need is a baby bump. But I’m a different person now. We all are. We all have our journeys that we will carry with us.
For me, it’s having babies who are not biologically related to me. I’m okay with this. I really am. It’s odd; I certainly never thought it’d come to this. I’m 26 years old for fuck sake.
It’s just going to be my journey to pregnancy, to motherhood, to a family. And I’m so excited. This is the way God built me. Whatever; I’m over it. I’m not going to dwell on an issue that I, or four completely different stimulation protocols, can’t change. It is what it is. My goal is to make the absolute best out of this situation. And I have faith that, in the end, our “situation” will be much better than we could have ever imagined. I can’t tell you how excited I am for this plan – Plan F.
But. I do feel inadequate. I do feel like a loser because I don’t have – and never did have – four or five babies on ice waiting for my uterus. I do feel inadequate because my eggs couldn’t create embryos that were able to develop and persevere past four weeks.
I have photos of the 10 embryos that have been transferred to my uterus. My 10 babies built from my eggs that just couldn’t make it. I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough for them. I’m so sorry I can’t have a baby girl who shares my Great Grandma Anna’s traits – of whom I resemble. I’m so sorry I can’t have a boy who shares my dad and brothers’ sense of humor.
I’m just so sorry I’m not good enough.
While I do feel incredibly inadequate, I am so thankful for the opportunities I still have for a pregnancy and family. I feel so lucky to be able to carry my husband’s child. I feel so hopeful that my success rates are so high – for real this time. I’m so excited to choose from a surprisingly impressive donor egg pool. I’m so blessed to have a doctor who won’t quit until I get my baby. I’m so lucky to have a mom who thinks another woman’s egg “doesn’t matter anyway” and a dad who’s “with me all the way.”
I’m a loser; my body is broken.
But I’m so lucky, and I’m so excited.