Inadequate

Recently I’ve begun to feel inadequate again. These emotions are similar to how I felt almost three years ago when I found out my LH and FSH hormones were “off” for lack of better terms.

I felt silly and unwomanly. I felt like a broken woman basically. Cute wittle Awwison can’t be a big girl and ovulate…

I got over those feelings of inadequacy. I moved on and became more concerned with what to do next. Treatment, money, timing. Would I have to deal with idiots who really didn’t care about getting me pregnant? How much would all this cost? Will I eventually have to do the big, scary IVF? Surely it wouldn’t get that far, that bad. I got used to those stings after every pregnancy announcement, after seeing a pregnant woman or newborn babe. I just focused on the finish line, didn’t have time to grieve or “process” everything.

Now, way too many cycles later, I feel inadequate again. I’m not good enough. Women who are pursuing IVF AGAIN, women who are miraculously pregnant after their umpteenth cycle, women who are gearing up to stimulate their ovaries – those women are better than I am. They are more of a woman than I am. They’re worthy; they’re chosen; they’re good enough. I’m not. I’m just the broken one pretending to fit in.

I am so excited and hopeful for our next steps. I can’t wait! I have such high expectations, and that’s so refreshing. I understand that life doesn’t always work out the way we planned. In a way, our trials are beautiful and truly make us stronger. I don’t take pride in what I’ve been through. Lord knows I’d much rather be a weaker person who found an easier way out. But, I have changed; I am stronger because I just am. How can you not be? We have no other choice. We can’t stop living when devastation hits. I mean, we can stop living, but that’s another topic. What does strength even mean? I don’t need to be recognized for my strength. What I need is a baby bump. But I’m a different person now. We all are. We all have our journeys that we will carry with us.

For me, it’s having babies who are not biologically related to me. I’m okay with this. I really am. It’s odd; I certainly never thought it’d come to this. I’m 26 years old for fuck sake.

It’s just going to be my journey to pregnancy, to motherhood, to a family. And I’m so excited. This is the way God built me. Whatever; I’m over it. I’m not going to dwell on an issue that I, or four completely different stimulation protocols, can’t change. It is what it is. My goal is to make the absolute best out of this situation. And I have faith that, in the end, our “situation” will be much better than we could have ever imagined. I can’t tell you how excited I am for this plan – Plan F.

But. I do feel inadequate. I do feel like a loser because I don’t have – and never did have – four or five babies on ice waiting for my uterus. I do feel inadequate because my eggs couldn’t create embryos that were able to develop and persevere past four weeks.

I have photos of the 10 embryos that have been transferred to my uterus. My 10 babies built from my eggs that just couldn’t make it. I’m so sorry I wasn’t good enough for them. I’m so sorry I can’t have a baby girl who shares my Great Grandma Anna’s traits – of whom I resemble. I’m so sorry I can’t have a boy who shares my dad and brothers’ sense of humor.

I’m just so sorry I’m not good enough.

While I do feel incredibly inadequate, I am so thankful for the opportunities I still have for a pregnancy and family. I feel so lucky to be able to carry my husband’s child. I feel so hopeful that my success rates are so high – for real this time. I’m so excited to choose from a surprisingly impressive donor egg pool. I’m so blessed to have a doctor who won’t quit until I get my baby. I’m so lucky to have a mom who thinks another woman’s egg “doesn’t matter anyway” and a dad who’s “with me all the way.”

I’m a loser; my body is broken.

But I’m so lucky, and I’m so excited.

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14 thoughts on “Inadequate

  1. I am so excited for Plan F! We know you can get pregnant, so once a healthy little embie (or two) get in there, it’s on! Sadly, I think plans A-E had to occur for you (and the hubby) to be ready for this final step, this plan that has been ordained for you long before you even knew fertility was an issue. I hate that this makes you feel inadequate. I know you’re far more than adequate, I think you’re amazing! I don’t know if that tiny little a-hole voice in the back of your head will ever go away, but I do that someday soon the sound of your baby(ies) will be loud enough to drown it out.

    • You’re so right about what’s been ordained for us. Like I had mentioned in a previous post, I’m so ready to do what God has planned – what He’s had planned this whole time – instead of fighting for what I had planned … frankly, what I planned went down the drain a long time ago. Thanks for the encouragement. 🙂 I can’t wait for my healthy eggs, healthy embryos, and BABIES! It’s so on for 2014!!!

  2. Oh Allison… I know the feeling of inadequecy and I hate that you feel that way but I am SO happy to hear that you’re also excited and happy- you so deserve to have those feelings. I know that your journey will end with lots of happiness- I am praying for you my sweet friend! XOXO

  3. I hate that you feel inadequate. This isn’t your fault, it’s not something you can control. It sucks & it’s unfair. But it doesn’t make you inadequate. I’m so glad you have this option & I’m believing feelings of inadequacy will disappear as you step into MOTHERHOOD!! 🙂 In 2014! 🙂 Praying for y’all.

  4. I have photos of the 10 embryos we have put into me too 😦
    I think you are amazing and so far from inadequate.
    I am happy that you are excited for the next step! I admire your attitude towards it all and what a great goal!
    Hugs to you!

  5. I totally get the feelings of inadequacy… I think we’ve all felt that a time or two. But Allison, just because that’s how we feel, it doesn’t make it true. You are beloved!

    I’ve always said that the biological connection is not important to me, but I wonder if I’d say the same thing if it was staring me in the face. I’m sure that there is a certain amount of mourning that takes place for anyone. But I’m happy to hear that you are excited! Broken body or not, I’m so hopeful that you will be a mom soon!

  6. Oh hun, we all get those feelings of inadequacy so you’re not alone. This is not your fault. I am very excited though that you will be a mum soon. It doesn’t matter how you get there, just that you will get there. Hugs xx

  7. Hi! Visiting your blog for the first time today. Love the way you write, though you feeling inadequate makes me feel sad. I must seem like one of those women you described (“women who are pursuing IVF AGAIN, women who are miraculously pregnant after their umpteenth cycle”), but I don’t feel like that at all. I don’t see you as inadequate, nor do I feel particularly adequate myself. Keeping my fingers crossed for you!

  8. No one is more of a woman than anyone else, and especially not more than you. I know being proud of surviving everything you’ve been through doesn’t solve the problem at hand, and your feelings are absolutely warranted. So many women find their way to motherhood in ways they never imagined they would though. You are right…it WILL be better than you could have ever imagined once the day comes. Your chances of success are about to go through the roof with DE, and I am super excited for you to give yourself your best chances yet!

  9. You are not inadequate woman! Yes, the emotions you are feeling are quite normal so go ahead and vent. You are an amazing woman who has endured quite the roller coaster BUT that is what makes you, YOU! I know making the decision to use DE might not been the easiest decision and I’m sorry. No matter what just like your family I will be right here rooting for you(: merry Christmas dear friend!

  10. Pingback: On a Different Side | Belle Haven Drive

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