I remember sitting here at this desk, in this office one year ago.
I was waiting for my nurse to call with news of my cyst and estrogen levels. I was supposed to have started my first stim cycle the day after Christmas.
I hadn’t had a drink since December 1 (company holiday party, whoo!). I decided I would drink on New Year’s Eve if I still hadn’t received the go ahead.
I thought it was the end of the world. The frustration of having to wait even longer drove me a little bit crazy. My ex friend from Virginia Beach whom I’d poured my heart out to just months before she got pregnant after ONE MONTH of trying had her baby girl that day, December 31. I was devastated. I thought the extended wait was the end of the world. And—it was at that point.
I mean, I’d waited long enough. But I had NO idea what was in store.
No freakin’ clue.
Life is funny that way. Oh, how time flies.
THANK GOD 2013 IS OVER.
You read blogs, read forums, Google the shit out of this stuff when you’re at the start line for the IVF journey. You can’t fathom that you’ll be one of those women who has to endure the hell you read online. Surely, you’ll have a happy story. Surely, it’ll only take one try. I was still scared, though.
If it had to happen, I’m glad it’s over.
January: Stim cycle; egg retrieval
February: Transfer; BFN
March: Skin cancer scare; prep for FET
April: Embryo transfer; BFN
May: Birth control; Caribbean vacation
June: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer, BFP, then BFN
July: NIH consultation; Provera for luteal-phase stim cycle
August: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer
September: BFN; Lupron Depot
October: Lupron Depot
November: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer
December: BFP, then BFN
Five BFNs, two BFPs, no bump, certainly no baby.
Eff you, 2013!
I’m happy this year is over, to say the least.
And 2014 holds no guarantees, but I’ve just learned a lot. I’ve learned that one more month really isn’t that big of a deal; I just plan activities for every weekend, and before you know it … I’ve learned that I can have joy in the my life, though there is a void in my heart. I’ve learned that life just doesn’t always go as planned: My future potentially holds ONE baby—a baby not even related to me. But that’s okay; it’ll be okay. C’est la vie.
I also know that I’ve sacrificed a lot. I flushed my expectations down the toilet in September. Now? I have high expectations. I have high hopes. Deep down, I feel like “we’ve arrived.” There are still a lot of steps to take: saving money, finding a donor, coordinating cycles, the BFP, and so on … But I also know that—no matter what—I’ll be okay.
In some ways, 2013 was bigger than I expected. No one could have prepared me for this year, but I’m grateful for it. Of course, I would have preferred—and still do—to not endure it, but now that it’s over—hey, at least I’ve grown emotionally. Healthy coping skills are always beneficial, I feel.
We all know what I expect for next December 31.
Stay tuned …