I remember sitting here at this desk, in this office one year ago.

I was waiting for my nurse to call with news of my cyst and estrogen levels. I was supposed to have started my first stim cycle the day after Christmas.

Ugh, cysts.

I hadn’t had a drink since December 1 (company holiday party, whoo!). I decided I would drink on New Year’s Eve if I still hadn’t received the go ahead.

I thought it was the end of the world. The frustration of having to wait even longer drove me a little bit crazy. My ex friend from Virginia Beach whom I’d poured my heart out to just months before she got pregnant after ONE MONTH of trying had her baby girl that day, December 31. I was devastated. I thought the extended wait was the end of the world. And—it was at that point.

I mean, I’d waited long enough. But I had NO idea what was in store.

No freakin’ clue.

Life is funny that way. Oh, how time flies.


You read blogs, read forums, Google the shit out of this stuff when you’re at the start line for the IVF journey. You can’t fathom that you’ll be one of those women who has to endure the hell you read online. Surely, you’ll have a happy story. Surely, it’ll only take one try. I was still scared, though.

If it had to happen, I’m glad it’s over.

January: Stim cycle; egg retrieval

February: Transfer; BFN

March: Skin cancer scare; prep for FET

April: Embryo transfer; BFN

May: Birth control; Caribbean vacation

June: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer, BFP, then BFN

July: NIH consultation; Provera for luteal-phase stim cycle

August: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer

September: BFN; Lupron Depot

October: Lupron Depot

November: Stim cycle; egg retrieval; transfer

December: BFP, then BFN

Five BFNs, two BFPs, no bump, certainly no baby.

Eff you, 2013!

I’m happy this year is over, to say the least.

And 2014 holds no guarantees, but I’ve just learned a lot. I’ve learned that one more month really isn’t that big of a deal; I just plan activities for every weekend, and before you know it … I’ve learned that I can have joy in the my life, though there is a void in my heart. I’ve learned that life just doesn’t always go as planned: My future potentially holds ONE baby—a baby not even related to me. But that’s okay; it’ll be okay. C’est la vie.

I also know that I’ve sacrificed a lot. I flushed my expectations down the toilet in September. Now? I have high expectations. I have high hopes. Deep down, I feel like “we’ve arrived.” There are still a lot of steps to take: saving money, finding a donor, coordinating cycles, the BFP, and so on … But I also know that—no matter what—I’ll be okay.

In some ways, 2013 was bigger than I expected. No one could have prepared me for this year, but I’m grateful for it. Of course, I would have preferred—and still do—to not endure it, but now that it’s over—hey, at least I’ve grown emotionally. Healthy coping skills are always beneficial, I feel.

We all know what I expect for next December 31.

Stay tuned …


14 thoughts on “2013

  1. I also am so ready to say goodbye to 2013! I hope 2014 is your best year yet!
    I hope you had a happy anniversary with your husband btw! I have been thinking about you.
    Happy happy new year!

  2. Oh cysts… I wish this year could’ve ended on a higher note for you. But I am so glad we found each other! Your friendship in the last few months has meant so much to me. I would easily give you up for you to have a healthy pregnancy, but truth be told, I would have never bothered following your blog if you were already pregnant. In a kinder universe, we’d both be mothers already and our paths would have never crossed. If we gotta continue to fight, I feel good knowing that I have the A-Team to battle it out with!

  3. Happy New Year sweet girl! It’s crazy how so much and so little can happen all in one year. So many events yet we are still in the same spot. Prayers for a 2014 that lands us in a better spot than where we start.

  4. Oh Sweetie, I’m sorry you had to endure all this. But you’re right when you say it makes you stronger emotionally. I’m hoping for the best outcome for 2014!! Wish I could give you a hug!

  5. Every single up and down you’ve experienced is going to make you one of the most patient mothers on the planet. No one ever thinks they will end up being one of “those women” with a few or more IVF failures. I give you props for realizing that what hasn’t killed you will make you stronger. You are continuing to put one foot in front of other, and that’s why you WILL become an amazing mother….because you aren’t giving up! I’m routing for you all the way!

  6. Pingback: The Fake Laugh | Belle Haven Drive

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