On a Different Side

I can’t relate to so many of you anymore. Or maybe it’s that you can’t relate to me.

Not in the “My trip to Europe was so much more unique than yours could ever be” kind of way. Don’t you hate it when people do that? Like their lives or experiences are so much more genuine than yours? They just feel too darn important to have ordinary experiences. Well—ordinary isn’t the right word; rather, not-as-unique-as-they-think experiences.  

Anyway …

Seriously, though, I’m kind of just on a different side. Not the other side, but definitely a different one. I feel relief; I still feel inadequate.

Sisters who are doing traditional IVF: I’M JEALOUS OF YOU. There—I said it. I’d rather be in your shoes (kind of). I feel so much lesser than you!

Ah, welcome to my pity party. Who’s bringing the drinks? Well, it’s my party blog, and I’ll cry if I want to.

I don’t know if this is my grieving process or my pride. I think it’s okay to just feel how I feel and get through this shit. Talk about a bitter infertile infertile.

I transitioned from a traditional IVF patient to a donor egg IVF patient in exactly five weeks—Christmas and New Year’s included. Yes, I had to initiate many steps to get to this point, but—holy shit—I love my fertility clinic. They don’t eff around.

Yesterday was my mock embryo transfer. You know—the $300 procedure to make sure my uterus can handle an embryo transfer (even though I just had one a little over seven weeks ago). Nah, I bitch, but I’m glad my beloved doctor checked everything out and said everything looked great. I’m probably just making this up, but it kind of seems like he’s breathed a sigh of relief too.

I also had the opportunity to meet with my new nurse, Pam. She gave me our consent forms as well as a donor egg IVF protocol. So simple! Some Birth Control, Lupron, Del Estrogen, and PIO. That’s it, ladies. And I’m so happy to be using the PIO. I know that sounds twisted, but those Endometrin applicators literally get me emotional. The sight of those fuckers bring back baaaaad memories.

Last but not least, my husband and I met with our social worker. We had a wonderful discussion about our relationship history, our health history, the topic of disclosure; she asked a lot of What if? questions—which are always important topics to address for anyone starting a family. She showed us some really sweet and special children’s books regarding donor egg family building. She also provided resources that kind of “spell out” how we can discuss our family building story with our babies.

You know, it’s a beautiful thing—the technology, the compassion of other women to donate their eggs, our world in the year of 2014. It allows for so much more opportunity. Truly, it allows people who are broken and hopeless and barren to pursue their dreams of having pregnancies, newborns, families. God bless America.

Today I received our official access to the donor egg database. There are a few things standing in our way, but we’ll get there.

I’ve been thinking about what to call our donor besides … donor. The word that comes to mind is “helper.” That sounds kind of weird, and I don’t know how I feel about it. But—I’m the type of girl who hates asking for help. I am stubborn and will bang my head against a wall before I ask for help.

So this is kind of my ultimate “ask for help”—I’m just not huge on the term “helper” for my baby mama.

What do you girls think?

Xoxo,

Alli

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14 thoughts on “On a Different Side

  1. I love seeing that smile on your face :). Is your doctor a new doctor?! I’m excited for you, for this next step in your journey! XOXO

  2. I’m really excited for you! Umm, does that $5,000+ mean that’s the amount for JANUARY?!?! Dear Lord, you make our savings look pitiful. I like that y’all are still rocking $7 towards a vacation though! : ) Can’t wait to hear about your next steps! And it’s totally okay to be jealous… I’m jealous of girls who get 5AA blasts and we’re all jealous of THOSE people who insert part A into location B and WHAM! Love ya!

    • Hahaha you are hilarious my friend. Yup got to keep the love alive with our $7 vacays! We saved $5000 in about two months BUT our loan refund helped a lot. My IVF plan refunded us got we got no baby out of the deal. Praying for ya!!!

      • Aw, that’s definitely the perk of Attain and Arc… I mean, I’d rather have the baby, but it gives you something to move on with. I hope your hard work saving (and sacrificing vacations) will get you there quickly!

  3. How freaking adorable are you! I love to see that smile! I sometimes feel like a ‘fake infertile’ because I haven’t done IVF yet.

    I would pick a silly name, probably because I am a silly girl! Hmmm…. Something with eggs…… Farmer? Chicken? Ostrich? Chef? Benedict? I’m gonna think some more… Thinking about you guys!

  4. Oh my gosh! I’m certain no one looks as cute as you in a paper smock! I’m impressed with how well you’ve transitioned. I think you were way more prepared for this step before everyone else, hubby, favorite nurse, and doctor included. Sadly, cycle 5 had to play it self out for that final reassurance. I think you are amazing! I hope that I can still play in your club, because when I come to town, I’m gonna wanna hang out. So, you will have to get over your socially awkward penguiness!

  5. I love that photo of you!! Regardless of your feelings and the emotions you’re going through, you look adorable!!

    I cannot even tell you how much I get feeling inadequate and jealous of regular IVF’ers. Even now 7 months after deciding to move forward with donor eggs, I still get a little sting every now and then and even wonder, what if I’d tried this or that, or with CCRM, maybe, it would have happened with my eggs. I look at families and I can’t help but notice all the similarities of mom/child and it hurts. That said…I still don’t regret my decision. I think about MY embies every single day and I know they are waiting to be my babies.

    This is not an easy decision and if you’re like me, you may always wonder or think about the what if’s or could have beens, but have faith and hope that this is how your family was supposed to be. I promise, it’s going to be great. For both of us. 🙂

  6. Love the pic! You look incredibly happy. It wouldn’t be human like if jealousy wasn’t involved. It’s quite normal to feel jealous on certain situations. I think we all have experienced that and still do. Glad that you have transitioned into this new chapter in such a delighted sense of humor.

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