Infertility

That feeling of nausea.

You don’t know whether to cry or rip your hair out.

When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?

How do I know? Why can’t I know?

It just hurts. There’s no control.

Jesus, I haven’t needed to know why for a while now. I don’t even care to know why.

But, damnit, I’m growing impatient. I watch “everyone else” move on and have their babies … but I can’t do that.

There’s a sick feeling in my gut. The kind you get when your first boyfriend dumps you for someone “better,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. Ugh, but this sick feeling is worse than that.

I want to squeeze my heart until it stops aching. I want to clench my teeth and scream at the universe.

I’m pissed off, and I’m scared that this will be my life.

Why does it have to be so close, but yet there are so many more steps to take?

I’ve felt this way many times before; I guess I just sleep on it. I guess it just passes. I guess I just move on and keep living.

I guess …

It never goes away. Since the early days I’ve had these moments and this feeling of suffocation.

God damnit just work (forgive me for using the Lord’s name).

But fuck! Come on! I’m a whiny child; my soul is spoiling. How do I get this out? I can’t throw a temper tantrum, but I want to.

All I can do is sit here and be still.

I am not very good at being still.

I don’t like these feelings. I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like stillness or a lack of progression.

When will this be over?

Can it be over in a few months’ time?

How do I keep going? How can I live without something I’ve always wanted?

I just need answers. Hasn’t it been long enough?

The ache will never leave. I’ll be damned if it leaves and I forget this hell.

But I can endure the ache with a baby in my belly or arms.

I just want this to be over…

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10 thoughts on “Infertility

  1. I’m sorry you are in this dark place. Hoping that March comes soon, and with it many good news. Until then, take good care of yourself. Maybe a spa day is in order, or some really good chocolate, or whatever else makes you a little bit happier?

  2. I’m sorry you are in so much pain, dear woman. This is so hard. These days are so incredibly bleak. It’s impossible to make meaning out of this meaningless pain. It just is awful in every way.
    Somehow we have to count on impermanence. Things always change. Everything changes. And I have to believe that you won’t be in such a dark place forever. It still doesn’t make it comfortable or easy right now. I’m so sorry it’s been so hard for you.

  3. I want it to be over for you so badly, as well as anyone else who’s feeling this way. I do think the end of this trying journey is so near for you though. You are so close! I can taste it!

  4. Everything in this post is so true! I wish there was an end in sight or at least more answers! I am so sorry you have to go through this heartache. Unfortunately I relate too well to this. Sending you a big hug and thinking of you!

  5. Pingback: The Hearts I’ve Gained | Belle Haven Drive

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