That feeling of nausea.
You don’t know whether to cry or rip your hair out.
When will it be my turn? Will it ever be my turn?
How do I know? Why can’t I know?
It just hurts. There’s no control.
Jesus, I haven’t needed to know why for a while now. I don’t even care to know why.
But, damnit, I’m growing impatient. I watch “everyone else” move on and have their babies … but I can’t do that.
There’s a sick feeling in my gut. The kind you get when your first boyfriend dumps you for someone “better,” and there’s nothing you can do about it. Ugh, but this sick feeling is worse than that.
I want to squeeze my heart until it stops aching. I want to clench my teeth and scream at the universe.
I’m pissed off, and I’m scared that this will be my life.
Why does it have to be so close, but yet there are so many more steps to take?
I’ve felt this way many times before; I guess I just sleep on it. I guess it just passes. I guess I just move on and keep living.
I guess …
It never goes away. Since the early days I’ve had these moments and this feeling of suffocation.
God damnit just work (forgive me for using the Lord’s name).
But fuck! Come on! I’m a whiny child; my soul is spoiling. How do I get this out? I can’t throw a temper tantrum, but I want to.
All I can do is sit here and be still.
I am not very good at being still.
I don’t like these feelings. I don’t like not knowing. I don’t like stillness or a lack of progression.
When will this be over?
Can it be over in a few months’ time?
How do I keep going? How can I live without something I’ve always wanted?
I just need answers. Hasn’t it been long enough?
The ache will never leave. I’ll be damned if it leaves and I forget this hell.
But I can endure the ache with a baby in my belly or arms.
I just want this to be over…