What Wasn’t

I almost got through the entire day without realizing that my “moment” on June 27, 2013, was supposed to be born today.

My baby was small, not thriving, barely even there really. But it was a good day, that Thursday.

It wasn’t meant to be, though. And I’m okay with that today. I don’t know; I just am.

My aunt told me back in June to protect my heart in eight months’ time when baby was scheduled to arrive. I was hoping I’d be okay anyway. I was hoping I’d have my take-home baby bump anyway.

But, it wasn’t meant to be. Nope, not today.

Instead I went to my Lupron evaluation appointment. My lining is 4-point-something. Nice and quiet. I have no cysts, thank Jesus. I did see a lovely batch of follicles, particularly on my right ovary. But I’m not going to talk about that right now.

Instead I went to work and received a phone call from my nurse informing me that “everything” looks good. Delestrogen starts tonight.

Instead I went for a nice run on the treadmill and plan to eat leftovers for dinner.

Instead.

Because today wasn’t my baby’s day.

Instead, I think I ought to have myself a Christmas baby.

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16 thoughts on “What Wasn’t

  1. EDD days are hard. I’m sorry you don’t have your baby to take home today but glad to hear you are doing a cycle. I also have an EDD today, the baby should be 2 years old today. Hoping for a Christmas miracle for you!

  2. Oh friend, the more these days stack up, the more they seem to take over the calendar. It hurts so much! You sound like you’re doing okay though, and I’m so, so glad! Thinking that a Christmas baby has never sounded better! SO HOPEFUL!

  3. Your post is so apt at describing the longing and loss for that June baby who would have been born today, as well as some sort of acceptance that this isn’t what happened. I really like the idea of a Christmas baby, and will polish that hope for you in my heart.

  4. I think we make a deal with the universe when we make our peace with a miscarriage; I can’t accept this if you get me pregnant by that due date. It really stings when that doesn’t happen. Take care of you today

  5. I think you should have yourself some Christmas twins! I’m so sorry today was one of those “date” days. I don’t know if they ever get easier, even when you do finally have your take-home baby. Love you lots! I’m happy that you are ready for the “plumping phase”! Next stop, PIO, then transfer!

  6. I sometimes catch myself wondering what if things would have been different. You will get ur take home baby with a lovely baby bump soon. I’m glad everything is looking good to start ur cycle.

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