Baby, My Baby

I can’t sleep tonight, baby.

It’s in the quietness, in the middle of the night when I think about not having you.

When I’m in a room alone with my own thoughts and fears that I ache for you.

Your daddy sleeps tonight; he’s right here beside me. I envy him right now.

Your daddy is very excited for you. He talks about you more now than he ever has. I think it’s because we have some hope now. I think it’s because we can believe you will be here someday … someday soon.

But, my darling, in this quietness, I still fear that I won’t ever get you. That I won’t ever feel you in my belly. I fear that I’ll never get to give birth to you … nurse you … finally have you here with me.

I’ll do whatever I can to get to you, but what if I can’t do enough? Your daddy has always told me that we will get you. Maybe he has said it because he believes it; maybe he has said it to keep my heart in tact.

But there are nights like these. These sleepless nights … Won’t I be a good mama to you? Why does she get hers, but I can’t have you?

Why does she get another one before I get you, my baby?

You see, I don’t know what’s going to happen. So much can change in just a few short weeks. I hope Miss Mary is taking good care of our gifts right now. But I don’t know. I just don’t know, sweet baby of mine.

I can’t wait to see your heartbeat and watch you grow in my belly. I can’t wait to hold you and feel you against my chest. I can’t wait to see Daddy’s face when you’re finally here, or to watch him buy you things at the store. I can’t wait for your Grandpa to tell you ridiculous jokes that no one understands, or your Grandma to hold you close. I know Grandma’s heart aches for you too.

But I hope we get to have you, baby. I hope Mary’s gift and Daddy’s gift and Mama’s womb get you here soon.

We have waited for you so long, my baby.

Please let me have you.

Oh, please, my sweet baby.

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13 thoughts on “Baby, My Baby

  1. I’m so happy for you that you have such a strong supportive and positive husband. Nick was the same way. I scoffed at his positivity but he was right in the end. I am sure your husband is right, too. Glad you have him, friend! XO

  2. the longing and the hope, the despair and the joy. They all live side by side. But I feel like you’ve had too much of the sadness and now, it is HIGH time for the joy to set in. Here’s to the DE cycle that will give you many good quality embryos and the transfer that makes you pregnant with your take home baby.

  3. Awe, keep writing to that baby. He/She hears you and wants to know how much you’re ready!

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