Where – exactly – do I begin?
Ladies, the time has come.
I am an emotional creature whose feelings and past experiences haunt anything logical that passes through my brain. I think with my heart, not my head often times.
… at least the times that really matter.
But – there are facts. Undeniable facts.
And here they are.
Monday, April 21, 2014
These are the little secrets I keep close to my heart. The secrets that tell me this might be it. My early, early symptoms.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
The ignorance can be somewhat blissful. Even if all hell breaks lose, you can at least cherish the moments of expectation and hope.
But my secrets were becoming undeniable. It was time to test. My husband and I agreed on this plan; I went to the ladies’ room at 1:15 p.m. and didn’t drink an ounce of liquid.
I drove to the grocery store after work, and then home. I was not prepared for a negative. I knew deep, deep down that I’d see a second line. But what haunted me was “What if I don’t?”
I remember walking up the stairs to my bedroom and starting to shake. I took the test at 4:15-ish; laid it on the counter. I changed into my jammies; forced myself to move on and let that sucker absorb my HCG flow.
Then I looked … “Ah, that’s what I was expecting to see. Thank you. Thank you, thank you Jesus.”
I welcomed my husband home from work with this:
My TTC sissy checked in that evening.
The fear set in on Wednesday (the next day). Is this really going to work? Like, for real?
For the first time on this journey, my brain was on my side. My heart was just scared.
The days passed; I checked for blood during every trip to the ladies’ room. “None? Really? Okay.” I looked for any reason why this wouldn’t work. I’m a sick masochist … Actually I just suffer from mental illness. Speaking of which …
I weaned off my Lexapro very quickly (under the supervision of my psychiatrist). My last half-pill was on Sunday, April 27.
I took a test every morning until beta day. Pregnancy test hell is not a place you want to be, but I wouldn’t change my approach one bit. I’ve learned that the 2WW can’t be made easier no matter how you do it. And though I was scared the darkness of the lines would stall or get lighter … they just didn’t – no matter how much worrying I did.
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Hot dang. I knew it would be positive, but this? I was torturing myself into expecting 400 or something.
It didn’t hit. It hasn’t really hit. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m pregnant. Me. Allison.
It’s a series of moments, I suppose. It takes time to sink in. We’re not used to this. This isn’t part of our routine. This is an effing miracle, people.
I emailed Mary’s namesake, Nurse Mary. I read the below, at which point I finally lost it.
I finally acknowledged those moments. The days like April 8, 2012 and May 24, 2011. Days like May 12, 2012 and February 18, 2013. These days that stick out in my mind. They brought me so much pain, so much heartache. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?
Well … it’s over.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
No need for a third beta says the beloved doctor.
Our 6-week ultrasound is scheduled for May 9, 2014 – two days before Mother’s Day.
Selfishly, I ask for your continued prayers. I am scared. I have something, and I don’t want it to go away.
I can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe this is my life today.