Mother’s Day is But a Week Away

Where – exactly – do I begin?

Ladies, the time has come.

I am an emotional creature whose feelings and past experiences haunt anything logical that passes through my brain. I think with my heart, not my head often times.

… at least the times that really matter.

But – there are facts. Undeniable facts.

And here they are.

Monday, April 21, 2014

secrets

These are the little secrets I keep close to my heart. The secrets that tell me this might be it. My early, early symptoms.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The ignorance can be somewhat blissful. Even if all hell breaks lose, you can at least cherish the moments of expectation and hope.

But my secrets were becoming undeniable. It was time to test. My husband and I agreed on this plan; I went to the ladies’ room at 1:15 p.m. and didn’t drink an ounce of liquid.

I drove to the grocery store after work, and then home. I was not prepared for a negative. I knew deep, deep down that I’d see a second line. But what haunted me was “What if I don’t?”

I remember walking up the stairs to my bedroom and starting to shake. I took the test at 4:15-ish; laid it on the counter. I changed into my jammies; forced myself to move on and let that sucker absorb my HCG flow.

Then I looked … “Ah, that’s what I was expecting to see. Thank you. Thank you, thank you Jesus.”

I welcomed my husband home from work with this:

daddy

My TTC sissy checked in that evening.

sarah

The fear set in on Wednesday (the next day). Is this really going to work? Like, for real?

brain

For the first time on this journey, my brain was on my side. My heart was just scared.

The days passed; I checked for blood during every trip to the ladies’ room. “None? Really? Okay.” I looked for any reason why this wouldn’t work. I’m a sick masochist … Actually I just suffer from mental illness. Speaking of which …

lexapro

I weaned off my Lexapro very quickly (under the supervision of my psychiatrist). My last half-pill was on Sunday, April 27.

tests

I took a test every morning until beta day. Pregnancy test hell is not a place you want to be, but I wouldn’t change my approach one bit. I’ve learned that the 2WW can’t be made easier no matter how you do it. And though I was scared the darkness of the lines would stall or get lighter … they just didn’t – no matter how much worrying I did.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

mom

Hot dang. I knew it would be positive, but this? I was torturing myself into expecting 400 or something.

*1,309*

It didn’t hit. It hasn’t really hit. I’m still trying to convince myself that I’m pregnant. Me. Allison.

It’s a series of moments, I suppose. It takes time to sink in. We’re not used to this. This isn’t part of our routine. This is an effing miracle, people.

I emailed Mary’s namesake, Nurse Mary. I read the below, at which point I finally lost it.

mary

I finally acknowledged those moments. The days like April 8, 2012 and May 24, 2011. Days like May 12, 2012 and February 18, 2013. These days that stick out in my mind. They brought me so much pain, so much heartache. WHEN IS THIS GOING TO BE OVER?

Well … it’s over.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

*2,831*

No need for a third beta says the beloved doctor.

Our 6-week ultrasound is scheduled for May 9, 2014 – two days before Mother’s Day.

Selfishly, I ask for your continued prayers. I am scared. I have something, and I don’t want it to go away.

I can’t believe I’m writing this. I can’t believe this is my life today.

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29 thoughts on “Mother’s Day is But a Week Away

  1. Yes, yes, yes!!! So very happy for you and thrilled to be seeing this update, was wondering about you this week. Will be continuing to send happy thoughts to the universe for you and can’t wait to hear about the ultrasound!

  2. Crying. Holy….! Just so happy for you!!!! Goodness gracious it *is* a miracle. Good thing I don’t have your phone number because now is when I’d start blowing you up.

    You have my continued prayers and joy.

    Xoxx

  3. Greatest news!! Oh Allison – you deserve this! What high beta numbers! Those are solid numbers I hope they give you peace of mind. Yay! I am doing a dance for you right now. Grow babies grow. (I’m betting there are babIES!!) XOXO

  4. Congrats! The email from the nurses brought tears to my eyes! It’s so amazing how close you get to them!

  5. I love your tests all lined up! I didn’t throw mine away until my son was two and even then I was attached ๐Ÿ™‚ SO happy for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. That’s absolutely amazing! I was wondering whether it had worked for you this time and it did…crazy, huh? It’ll take time to sink in, but those beta numbers are fabulous! You got your first hurdle down. Try not to think about the what ifs and try to move from one hurdle to the next. So, so happy for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. By the title of your post, this is not what I thought I would be reading. I am immensely happy for you and your husband. YAY!!!!!!! Those are fantastic numbers, but I know I don’t have to tell you that. What a great way to head into mother’s day. Continued well wishes to you.

  8. Ahhhhhh!!!! Yayyyyy!!!! Allison, this is amazing!!!! Your numbers are outrageous!!!! And Nurse Mary, my goodness- she is an angel- what a kind and caring woman! XOXOXOX

  9. I’ve been thinking about you and so happy to hear your wonderful news! Congrats. I hope you’re able to push your fears aside and relish the good news.

  10. Such. FANTASTIC. News. I’m SO very thrilled for you, Allison. Those are such strong betas. You are off to the races with those numbers.

    This is your life today. You are pregnant.

    p.s. I love this post! You mirrored the building joy and excitement (and fear) that I remember experiencing in those early days of pregnancy.

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