The Hearts I’ve Gained

Certainly the dust has settled a bit. The first trimester changes and daily reminders of nausea and not-so-content blood sugar levels have begun to stabilize.

Back then, my mama told me there are seasons of hardship and grief. But she reminded me there are seasons of joy too.

This is my season of joy. I am joyful. I wake up every morning to a dream come true. I carry my babies with me wherever I go.

And though I am joyful, I fear that something is—in fact—missing. Am I faking it? Must I remind myself how my babies were conceived? Must I doubt myself … the mother I am to them … how much of them are mine?

Does it really matter? In my heart and mind, I know I am just as much their mother as my mother is mine. And I can tell you this, the people who matter—it certainly doesn’t matter to them.

There is power in creating babies. I acknowledge that. When I chose my husband, I also chose him as the father of my children. He chose me too. There is power in legacy.

I suffer a great loss … but what I’ve gained. Oh, Jesus, what I’ve gained.

It is a difficult and unique teeter totter game my heart often engages in. And my babies—they will be LOVED. My fear is not in who they are … all four inches of them and their preciousness.

My fear is learning how to heal and cope with what I have lost. There is guilt. Am I allowed to still grieve my loss, or is that selfish?

My loss is inevitable, though. There’s nothing I could have done; there’s nothing more I can do. Regret doesn’t haunt me, and I thank Heavenly Father for that. This is my story; this is how I became a mother.

I’ll be damned if I’m not a mother! Hey, you—fear, regret, loss, grief—I’ll be damned if you strip my title from me!

My journey toward motherhood is not second best. It is the best for me. I have conquered my infertility. I am victorious!

The Lord hath taken away—but He has also given me more than I asked.

He changed my heart. I will carry these lessons I’ve learned throughout my life.

Inside me I carry my husband’s babies. You know, when you’re 19 years old too shy to look into the eyes of your future husband, you just don’t think about what that man will give you. He. has. given. me. everything. No one else can love me like that. I am blessed to be loved so passionately and desperately by that man.

He gave me two! Jesus, all I began to fight for was one. All I’d asked you for was one. But—no—He gave me two. It just doesn’t get any better. I am blessed. My heart is full. My belly is full of two beating hearts!

So, as the dust has begun to settle, there are moments. I am fragile; my mental health is fragile. Sure, my mind is doing the best it can on its own*. But I believe this grief is real; I think that’s okay. Where’s the self-help book to heal? I’m swimming through these emotions on my own, in my heart and mind.

And I have faith I’ll get there. And while I’m on my way, I’ll live in the joy of two beating hearts in my belly.

I’ll live in the joy that I’m finally a mother.

*I have suffered from depression/anxiety most of my life. It is clear to medical professionals, loved ones, and me that antidepressants are necessary to provide me with a more fulfilling life. My psychiatrist, my husband, and I have chosen for me not to take antidepressants while pregnant, though, because of the potential health risks to my babies. I am very at peace with this decision. But, as my husband says, “Once those babies are out, we’re mainlining that shit.” I can’t disagree with him.


16 thoughts on “The Hearts I’ve Gained

  1. Glory to God! Congratulations!! I continue to pray for you, your husband and your precious babies! Christ has already won our victory over infertility for ALL of us…and like, you, we are ALL already victorious! Take care of yourself and your babies.

  2. Ha… the husband sounds hilarious. I think he would get along well with my Sam… there have been some less than subtle hints that he doesn’t hate me on meds. : )

    You’re doing GREAT, Allison! I’m sure pregnancy following infertility is really difficult off meds… it’s probably the time I’ll need medication the MOST! I’m proud of you for plugging along, for wading the waters. I hope the future holds infinite days of joy and less days of fear, regret, loss, grief.

  3. You absolutely have the right to grieve and I think it is essential for you to grieve. You’re not grieving and wanting different babies, you’re grieving wanting *these babies in a different way. They were pre-ordained to be your children, it was written long ago, and without your love and fierce dedication to creating them, they would not exist. I hope as your beautiful bump continues to grow, that your happiness and confidence accompany it! Love you tiny momma!

  4. I love this post! You are an amazing woman. I’m thrilled for you that you are being blessed with TWO babies. They are yours. However they make their way to you does not change the fact that they were meant for you. Your honest words have healing power. I’m SURE that someone else with a similar situation would feel that power reading your words. That is what blogging is all about. You are a true hero just by being yourself. XOXO hugs!!!

  5. Love hearing the joy in your heart. I think you’d be abnormal if you didn’t still have conflicting thoughts pop up in your mind, but you have your focus right where it needs to be…on those glorious little miracles growing inside of you. Yes, you are their mother 100%! Your posts are going to inspire many other women who have decided to use DE I have no doubt.

  6. You are a beautiful person and will make a loving Mom! Accentuate the positive…and box up the negative and throw it away. A chronically depressed person doesn’t need that baggage of trying to figure out if you’re missing anything….silly!!! Go enjoy your life and laugh at the rain…nothing but sunshine from now on. Dear girl.

  7. I think you are a beautiful, inspiring, and amazing woman and FAMILY. Your testimony on this blog always brings me to tears. Your story is full of so much glory and love. You grieve the loss however you need to, and I’m so glad you have room in your heart for the grief and the joy to coexist. You are one awesome mother. I love your story.

  8. Oh this is just a wonderful post- so honest and true… Just beautiful! You absolutely have the right to grieve. You have the right for it to take time to heal. But I’m so glad for you that while you walk that path, you have two beautiful beating hearts inside of you to look forward to meeting, to loving and to mothering! XOXO

  9. I have to admit that I love the way you express yourself. You were blessed with two beautiful babies and you are going to hear them say mommy. They will not have it any other way.

  10. You said it so well. These are your babies and He has given more than He has take away. I think it’s completely normal to have conflicting emotions at times. But these babies will be so loved!

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