I’m wheeled down the hallway where I hear newborn babies cry. Labor & Delivery – what an exciting wing of the hospital. But that baby is full term and ready to be born.
I see the excited faces of visitors – grandparents – awaiting the impending arrivals of their little ones. How exciting. How beautiful for these people.
My babies, though – they will be here too soon. Too little. My body is breaking down; I feel like absolute crap.
My liver enzymes have increased, and Emmanuelle’s cord is constricting a bit. I have been taking blood pressure medication since yesterday after a couple high readings. These things are inevitable. Our hope is that we can just hold on for as long as possible, really. But long just isn’t that long – ten days to two weeks maybe.
How did this happen? It is so surreal being here. I am thankful for my appointment on Monday and for mentioning my light cramping. But – dear God – what happened?
This is not what I’d envisioned – none of it. But – my daydreams don’t matter right now. I just want them to benefit as much as they can in my womb right now before being born.
They don’t deserve to suffer though. We brought them into this world, and they’ve given us so much joy. They are beautiful little creatures, my daughters. I know these things happen, but may I ask why?
The days pass. My body and heart ache. I am just trying to keep it together right now so my blood pressure remains as stable as I can control it.
“I think your baby girls will do beautifully. I think they’ll be healthier than you think when we have to take them out. They’ll be petite, but they’ll be strong.”