I’m wheeled down the hallway where I hear newborn babies cry. Labor & Delivery – what an exciting wing of the hospital. But that baby is full term and ready to be born.

I see the excited faces of visitors – grandparents – awaiting the impending arrivals of their little ones. How exciting. How beautiful for these people.

My babies, though – they will be here too soon. Too little. My body is breaking down; I feel like absolute crap.

My liver enzymes have increased, and Emmanuelle’s cord is constricting a bit. I have been taking blood pressure medication since yesterday after a couple high readings. These things are inevitable. Our hope is that we can just hold on for as long as possible, really. But long just isn’t that long – ten days to two weeks maybe.

How did this happen? It is so surreal being here. I am thankful for my appointment on Monday and for mentioning my light cramping. But – dear God – what happened?

This is not what I’d envisioned – none of it. But – my daydreams don’t matter right now. I just want them to benefit as much as they can in my womb right now before being born.

They don’t deserve to suffer though. We brought them into this world, and they’ve given us so much joy. They are beautiful little creatures, my daughters. I know these things happen, but may I ask why?

The days pass. My body and heart ache. I am just trying to keep it together right now so my blood pressure remains as stable as I can control it.

“I think your baby girls will do beautifully. I think they’ll be healthier than you think when we have to take them out. They’ll be petite, but they’ll be strong.”

13 thoughts on “Dreams

  1. “They’ll be petite, but they’ll be strong.” Isn’t that kind of the definition of you, Allison? I bet they got that from you… snuggled inside they’ve learned to be strong. They’ll be okay. I know you must be terrified. I’ve asked the Lord a hundred times why he’d allow this particular hurdle for you… I mean this on top of everything it took to get here is just too much. Add in the history of anxiety and this is well, just crap. I know you must be FREAKING OUT… I would be. Just know that we all love you and your girls, we’re here if you need anything, and we’re praying for more days and strong babies. Hugs sweet friend, BIG HUGS!

  2. So sorry that you are having to deal with this. I really hope your girls get at least another 10 -14 days. They’ve had the steroids and those have had time to work so that’s great! I am glad the prognosis for them after birth is so good. Petite but strong sounds beautiful at this point. Please don’t blame your body for this. It’s a lot of work carrying twins and your girls are both healthy. That’s quite something!

  3. I’ve had so much guilt since our girls were born early. I know that it wasn’t anything I did and now I almost cry when I see other moms leaving the hospital with their newborn babies. With that being said, I also know they are getting the best care and I can tell you from experience that the steroids make a HUGE difference. All you can do is rest and try to prepare for an early arrival for your babies. Research or talk to your NICU department and what to expect. Preparation is everything right now. You’re doing great though. Everyday they stay in is a day stronger they will be!

  4. Oh darling. I had a friend with HELLP deliver SUPER early. And her little girl was only 2 pounds and tiny, but is a perfectly healthy, normal two year old right now. keep the faith-you’re doing all you can for them.

  5. Petite but strong sounds great to me. I know this isn’t what you wanted, but hang in there and try to stay positive that your body will hang on for a few more days. We are all rooting for you and your little girls.

  6. Hold on, mama. One day at a time. One breath at a time. Healthy babies nowadays are delivered early or on time or a little late. You have science on your side. And your faith. And the love of so many. Hold on. I believe in the quote you included at the end. Babies want to live, fight to live. Yours babies will. I know that in my heart.
    I hope you can find rest. You need to gather as much strength as you can for what’s coming. II can offer anything, that is my offering, Rest, Allison. Rest.

  7. You and your girls are in great hands. Thank God for modern medicine. You are a family of fighters. Keep going, mama!

    Sending love.

  8. Thinking of you. I know this is difficult. I understand about the guilt. Since my daughter has been born I keep asking myself what did I do wrong to cause her premature birth. The truth is I’ve done nothing wrong and neither have you. I agree with one of the comments: the best thing you can do now is get as educated as you can. Ask questions, get familiar with the staff, know what to expect.

    Here are a few things I’ve learned from the nurses in NICU. Preemie girls progress faster and so do twins. So the odds are in your favour. And seeing my girl in NICU I can tell you: petite and strong is good. She is doing much better than babies who were born at term. And one of the nurses told me that babies first instinct is to live. So please stay strong (I know you are by reading your blog) and know that a lot of people are praying for you and your girls.

  9. Being your daughters, I’m sure that they are fighters! You are a strong individual and I admire your level headedness. (Is the at a word?) I’m sending you love and prayers for you and those little girls. I’m sorry this is not the way you wanted it to happen but glad you are in good hands.

  10. You are definitely not alone in there. I know it must seem like all you see is smiling carefree faces, but I assure you there are many other women literally feet away from you going through similar and even worse struggles in there. It’s absolutely amazing how well they can take care of the littlest of ones these days. They will be in good hands from the moment they enter this world, and they will become the beautiful strong children God created them to be!

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