I feel so much love, but I am empty.

They’re allowing natural sunlight in today. I can’t decide whether or not I should take offense to the fact that it is a stunning time of year – especially in Virginia.

My husband and I agree that this is the best and worst place. It is peaceful, even though my child passed here. The days progress quicker than I expected. The hissing and pops of the machine – it’s nice. My pain medication adds an element of relaxation. I pump, and it almost puts me to sleep. My family and the staff are impressed with my milk supply. It is quite impressive; it’s actually something in my life that’s going right. I can’t help but think, though, that I have a lot of milk because I’m supposed to have two daughters. That was the plan; that is what we began to prepare for emotionally, financially. That was what our lives were supposed to look like.

The Lord has taken from us; He does present us with little blessings though. I am thankful for that. Besides our darling Rowan, there are moments of blessing. My husband picked up Sarabi today; she’s been at the kennel for nearly three weeks. She behaved exceptionally. She even behaved when she saw my mom in the kitchen. Thank you Sarabi. Thank you for being a good girl. Thank God for maternity leave. I couldn’t step back into that world – not mentally or emotionally. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to step back into that world. I need a new career “path”. I wouldn’t say my home is a mess because it’s not. It’s actually in tact. I just haven’t touched it in weeks so it feels like I have no control over it. But you know what? I don’t care, and that is a blessing.

Her hair. It is a mystery. When she was born, she was my beautiful blonde baby. There are moments, though, when it definitely looks strawberry blonde. We shall wait and see. Her light eyelashes and brows are so precious. Her complexion is definitely that of a ginger. Good job Daddy. I think she has the shape of his head; I think her facial features are placed similar to Daddy’s.

I can’t wait to show you all, but not right now. She belongs to us; she is too vulnerable. I do not pity her because she is a strong little girl, but this is her time of healing, and that’s no one’s business.

We are more than halfway through October. Wow. That went quick; I’m totally okay with that. I will wish away my days, and I don’t need anyone telling me I shouldn’t. If my pregnancy can be over in a blink of an eye after fighting for my babies for over three years … you better believe I expect this to as well.

I wonder when my Zoloft will kick in. I feel like those people on the depression commercials. I’d rather be sad versus dark inside. Baby blues, post-partum depression; whatever the hell you want to call it … Talk about an understatement.

I have an understanding that my angel is ashes now. How incredibly unfair. I can’t even think about how short of time ago it was when she was here with me, with a heartbeat. The fact that I’ll see her in heaven one day just isn’t enough for me right now. That doesn’t quite cut it.

My eyelid has been twitching for a few hours now. My husband told me twitching can be caused by a lot of stress. Apparently I am carrying a lot of stress. I don’t even know. It’s as if I could sleep at any moment but also stay awake all night.

I have a few simple tasks planned for next week. My mom will accompany me. I managed to put all our laundry away yesterday and today. My mother-in-law vacuumed every inch of carpet yesterday. My carpet looks good.

Our good friends are visiting today. They stopped by last weekend too; it was very therapeutic. I wi …

She just had a Brady. It was relatively short, and her heart rate only dipped to the high 80s. She brought herself back up. Apparently she will grow out of them. Apparently.

… I will see my Daddy next weekend. He is going to put together the rest of Rowan’s furniture. That will be a blessing. My husband can spend time at the NICU instead of hours putting together IKEA furniture. The sentiment of preparing the nursery is kind of gone. Where there were two, there is now one.

I think that’s it for now, but one last thought. My friend has a nickname for my baby: Row Mac. I’m diggin’ it.

14 thoughts on “Thoughts

  1. I am so sorry for all the pain and darkness, friend. You guys and Rowan are always in my thoughts and prayers. I can’t imagine the difficulty of dealing with both the joy and sorrow you’re facing right now- I am thankful for the support and love that surrounds you. I hope that lighter and more joyful days come quickly.

  2. I have been following you for ages and had no idea you were in Virginia. I lost a son 10 years ago due to incompetent cervix at 22 and 5 weeks. Delivered a son on June 1st at 23 and 5 weeks and he is home now on oxygen doing amazing. I’m in the Stafford/ NOVA/Fredericksburg area, delivered and Nicu’ed 4 months at Mary Washington hospital. Would LOVE to come meet you, bring my son, meet Rowan or whatever you are comfortable with and share stories. I have struggled with infertility and many various term miscarriages. Can relate and would definitely love meeting you. thanks!!! Melanie

  3. I love that you are keeping her all to yourself right now. There’s something very sacred about that. I look forward to seeing her when you guys are ready. I’m sure she’s a beauty, a strong beauty.


  4. I am so sorry for all that you are going through and the unfairness of it all… I’m so glad you can find a bit of happiness in the small moments and that you have so much support from loved ones

  5. Your pain is heartbreaking, I don’t know what to say, I just want you to know that I am thinking of you, I am sad with you, even though I don’t know you.
    Kia Kaha xox

  6. I’m glad you are writing through this. What you have been through is incredibly unfair, beyond what most will ever have to experience. It is ok to be angry, furious, appalled by it. But there will be a light at the end of this tunnel, a future in which you will mourn but also celebrate, days with your sweet Row Mac that will feel worth it and beautiful. Keep fighting, but also keep being gracious to yourself when you just can’t deal.

  7. Enjoy these private moments Allison. She’s all yours and you deserve that. I’m so glad that friends and family are around to support you through this difficult time….your hubby included. I continue to pray for you two!

    God has taken and I won’t say that is easy but I know redemption wins.

  8. I’m glad you’re on Zoloft, my friend. You of all people know how fast life’s events can spin your mind out of control. We’re probably both at higher risk for postpartum depression than the average mom or even the average infertile mom, but you dear friend, have FAR more to contend with that that. I’m glad you’re being proactive and taking care of yourself.

    My heart remains absolutely broken for you. I can’t imagine the pain and the joy and the reckoning of those two emotions. Continuing to pray for you and Rowan. Sending hugs!

  9. Keep focusing on those precious moments with Rowan and just stare at every inch of her remarkable little body. She is what you’re living for right now, and she needs her mamma more than anything else in this world. You are doing a great job recovering. Baby steps for you both, and brighter days will be here before you know it. Just keep looking forward for that sweet girl and her whole life ahead of her and you.

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