The Love I Waited For

“I just want a baby.”

“I just want my baby.”

I remember telling my husband these words over and over again. He would always reassure me, ” I promise you will get your baby.”

I look down at her against my chest, and she opens her eyes. I feel her little twitches, her tiny fingers moving near my heart. She is here. I have my baby, my beautiful baby.

I’m not holding a niece or nephew, a friend’s baby. I hold mine; I comfort mine. She is well when I hold her. I am her mother, and she is my perfect baby.

“Hi Rowie. Mommy loves you. Mommy loves you so much.”

I wish I could kiss her, but I don’t want to introduce any germs to my delicate daughter. Soon, she will be bombarded with kisses!

She sleeps with her mouth wide open, just like Mommy. She is my precious love.

I knew I was missing something, missing an incredible love. That’s what hurt so much about not having her and Emmanuelle. But I didn’t know the feeling I was missing.

I love her so much, and I hate that she’s in intensive care. I don’t want her to struggle; it scares me. I wish I could have them both; I do have them both, but Emmanuelle is with Jesus. Selfishly, I’m still not okay with that. I want my sweet Emmanuelle here with me too.

I cry every day because of our loss of Emmanuelle. I cry every night when I’m home – and not taking care of my Rowan at the NICU.

I miss being pregnant, sure. I’m supposed to be pregnant. My precious girls were taken from me too soon. They were too small; I hate pre-eclampsia. But having Rowan here, and having held and comforted my Emmanuelle as she went to be with Jesus – I’m so happy to have this love, to feel this love finally.

So I hold my baby tight, and I finally know the love I waited so long for.

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11 thoughts on “The Love I Waited For

  1. Oh Allison… such beautiful words. It’s not fair that you don’t have both. Absolutely not fair. While I’m glad Emmanuelle is with Jesus, I selfishly want her back for you. Your heart has broken too many times already… additional heartbreak is just so unfair. I’m thankful you’ve finally find this love though. You waited long and fought hard to finally know this love. Hugs to you, sweet friend.

  2. Thinking of you and your sweet babies and so glad you are holding Rowan and a Mom! Wow. What a gift. I can only imagine how sad you must be, though, and we are all thinking of you and your family and your sweet girls.

  3. I am so happy that you have this love. Hate the Emmanuelle was taken from you too soon but glad you felt her love & gave her love. Think about your family everyday. Xoxo

  4. I remember when I first had Z & I called my mom bawling and I said, “I had no idea how much you loved me!”

    And that is true. Loving your child is beyond compare. RowMac is one loved little lady & I’m so happy you experience it.

    Emmanuelle is loved too…and I promise you she would want your joy for her sister…so when your joy overshadows the sadness…own it…she would want you too.
    I love you my friend. I have no concept of what you’ve been through and what you’re going through (so feel free to throw away what I say…no offense taken by me :).

    Just know I love you.

  5. Oh my sweet friend. I am so sorry… I hate pre eclampsia too. I hate what it did to you and what it has taken from you and your girls. But I love that you are a Mommy and that Rowan has you! xo

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