Rowan is starting to develop those fat pockets on her face … like what a full-term newborn has. Her face isn’t as emaciated as it was a few weeks ago. In fact, her entire body isn’t as thin; she’s chunking out, my sweet girl.

Her hair continues to grow, and it undeniably has a strawberry tint. We’ll see … (Thank you Daddy and Mary for giving Rowan Mommy’s hair color.)

I don’t really think about Mary anymore. Sometimes I see little things in Rowan, but mostly she resembles her daddy. Mary is beautiful, though, so it’s allll good. It doesn’t really matter, ha! I’m Rowan’s mommy without a doubt. She knows exactly who her mommy is. I thought it would be a little difficult, that I’d have to deal with my thoughts, emotions, insecurities. I worried a little about bonding with Rowan, but the Lord has been gracious.

If I had to choose, I’d choose Rowan and every block that built her. I’d choose that egg … that precious gift Mary will never understand means everything to me.

I feel like I could sleep all day. Like, it’s not normal. I’m a pretty productive, alert person. I’ve been productive: chores in the morning, NICU for the rest of the day. But I’m tired. Why am I so tired? I’m not exercising yet. I’m not going to work (I didn’t have to return so soon after all). I pump, tie up loose ends at home, and spend time with Rowie. Nothing I do is exhausting, and yet I am exhausted. I have to remind myself that it’s okay. That even if there’s no explanation in the forefront, perhaps it’s just the traumatic events of the last seven weeks. Just, ha! Maybe my body has established a new norm of recovering from sickness/surgery; mourning the loss of Emmanuelle; remaining on high alert for Rowan; producing a ton of milk. Maybe all of that is enough to make a new mom exhausted. My only concern is being able to hold Rowan for a good long while. She typically tolerates kangaroo care for at least three hours, from one care time to the next. But I can’t nap while holding her. I’m exhausted though, but I don’t want her to suffer or lose out on skin-to-skin time.

Speaking of which, let me date/time these breast milk bottles, go to the ladies’ room, and hold my baby … 2 p.m. Mommy and Rowie time.


13 thoughts on “Tired

  1. I am so glad you didn’t have to go back to work!! That is a huge relief, I’m sure. And I think that your exhaustion is totally understandable- dealing with such intense emotions is bound to take a toll on your body. I’m so glad you get to spend so much skin-to-skin time with Rowan and that she’s chunking up so well!

  2. Agreeing with everything Erika said. You’ve been through SO much in these last few weeks, months, hell, the last year… your body is AMAZING for still going after all of that. Enjoy your snuggles with your sweet girl. Sending love to both of you!

  3. You are heading into the Holiday Season and the years ahead…with the best gift you could ever have. So many of us have had you in our thoughts and prayers…and are delighted with the happiness in your words above…hold tight to your Rowie…you’ve both made it through the rain…

  4. I get so choked up reading this. Those little girls are so lucky to have you as their Mommmy. I love that you call her Rowie. How sweet. A, you’ve been through so much these past few weeks. Be kind to yourself. Exhaustion is an ok emotion to feel. Keep healing. I’m sure baby Rowie is great for helping you heal. Hugs for you and smoochies for baby Rowan. XOXO

  5. You have every right to be utterly exhausted!

    It’s so much fun watching Rowan grow and fill out. Thanks for sharing the good news with us. Good job mama and babe!!


  6. I’ve never commented here before, but I’ve been following for a little while. I just had to say something because though we didn’t need donor egg – I’ve always felt that this is how I’d feel if I had. That my baby is my baby and I couldnt imagine any other baby. I feel like that with my very own Rowan :). That the hell we went through to get her brought me the baby I was meant to have and there is no better.
    I’m sorry you are so exhausted. I found the nursing really wore me out. And if you can get your prenatals in, and b6 I found it helped a lot.

  7. Beautiful photo Allison.
    This week has gone by so quickly, I think of you and your precious babies, everyday. Another week closer to going home with Rowan, so good to hear of her progress.
    The years of emotional trauma you have been through, culminating in losing Emmanuelle must be completely exhausting. Go easy on yourself… you are doing so well, a natural mum.
    Kia Kaha Allison.

  8. Once you are just pregnant, and then the actual baby comes, you will forever be exhausted, and or just not sleep well, pretty much ever again. I’m just being honest. Your body is recovery from so much, and remember, from a medical, IBCLC stand point,, making milk takes A LOT of energy, so you need to make sure you continue to take your prenatal vitamins while lactating and eating MORE than while you were pregnant. Check your diet, and you may realize you could really stand to eat quite a bit more, just make sure its the right foods too!
    We love you, and miss you, visiting soon! xo
    p.s. more lactation cookies coming!

  9. Having a baby in the NICU is exhausting. Gavin a baby in the NICU after what you’ve been through has to be that much more exhausting. Being a new mommy is so tiring all on it’s own, but then add the emotional trauma of everything else…. You are doing amazing.

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