Rowie is taking her time. She’s in no rush.
I, on the other hand…
Praise Jesus, the bradys and de-sats do actually go away. I couldn’t have imagined it if I tried. Thank you Heavenly Father.
Rowan received a large dose of caffeine last Friday to help her de-sats vanish. She just needed a little boost, and it seems to be working. If she can continue to remain stable – even after her eye exam this morning – the doctor will remove her cannula. If she can breathe on her own and remain stable – what a huge step! No more air blowing in her nose, maybe her feeding tube will be moved to her nose – and perhaps baby girl will be more interested in feeding by mouth.
Breastfeeding is my current dilemma. She does very well with the nipple shield, but lately she’s just been falling asleep when I hold her. It is wonderful to know that I calm and comfort her, but she won’t stay awake to eat! And I’ve tried skin to skin, tickling, etc. to keep her awake, but the cuddles are just too relaxing I guess. She also must learn how to bottle feed as she’ll need fortified meals and a way to receive her medication at home.
She’s, like, a baby now. I think she likes me. 😊 She makes baby noises and is huge! She gets upset, and I can make her feel better. I’m her mommy, and she knows it. I’m starting to realize that she needs me more than she needs the nurses/doctors. That makes me feel really, really good. I love her so much. She’s everything I’ve waited for.
I’m “allowed” to hold her whenever I want. I’ve been taking her temperature and changing her diaper. Daddy and I have been doing that for a while now I suppose. I’m very familiar with babies. I know how to care for them. I handle my Rowie like a baby. I’m not scared to pick her up or turn her over. I don’t worry about hurting her. I know what I’m doing; I get babies. Before, though, it was different. She. was. so. fragile. Limited touch, noise, light, etc. Now she’s my baby whom I know and understand how to handle.
I look at her “newborn” photos – the ones from her first days. To me, she is my two-month old baby. To you, she’s probably a newborn now. I never intended for her to experience our third trimester in an isolette, but she’s grown up so quickly before my eyes. I experience those bittersweet emotions just like any other mommy. I suppose I get bonus newborn-baby time though – if that’s what you want to call it.
There are other things here and there regarding her health that Daddy and I pray will resolve. They’re not worth mentioning, though. Daddy and I will worry about and deal with them. The point is: She’s perfect.
I cried on my way to the hospital today. Emmanuelle. I miss her – my sweet baby girl. I wish I could have her. I wish Rowie could have her. Often times I think about my experiences with Rowan and am reminded that I was supposed to have those experiences with Emmanuelle too. Gosh, that button nose and those eyes.
It sucks. She was so feisty. She was doing so well, then everything changed so quickly.
I’m holding Rowan now as her gavage feed is ending. There’s nothing better. But I’m starving; I haven’t eaten all day. Okay, I had two Ensure shakes this morning before my run. I ought to sneak in some lunch.
I wanted to write more, but I don’t have the words right now …
… Something about Emme being Rowie’s guardian angel … and how it annoys me when people compare Rowan’s birth gestational age to another preemie baby’s … and how it really fucking sucks to see #birthwithoutfear photos on Instagram because those moments look beautiful, and the birth of my daughters was horrific. How did Nina put it? “Violent and unpleasant.”
Alright, I’m pretty hungry. It’s time for my millionth Subway Flatizza at the hospital’s food court.