Deja Vu

I posted a journal entry this morning. A reader commented that it was pathetic and that *** this excerpt was very hurtful toward fellow TTC sisters. I am somewhat of a people-pleaser, and I take criticism to heart. I certainly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I decided to remove my post because I am not emotionally strong enough right now to be that vulnerable.

Well, I am going to re-post it.

Some of my loved ones caught a glimpse of this post before it was removed; I feel confident that I won’t piss off every reader. I feel confident that I will continue to be loved and not judged by my family and close friends.

I am angry. I am bitter. This is part of my story.

Caveat: *** Regarding the apparent controversial excerpt below, I will be the first to admit that I was (and still am at times) extremely bitter toward and jealous of other TTC sisters. Is that the right attitude to have? Probably not. I can admit that. But I will advocate for myself: There is not a How To guide on surviving this road I’ve traveled. And, honestly, I cannot expect a fellow TTC sister who is now pregnant after six IUIs to understand the magnitude of my loss.

Love is messy. Man, life is messy.

Against my wishes, there is a lot of drama in my life. Certainly I know people who would welcome my drama into their own lives. Those who romanticize struggle and heartache. They’d like a little slice to keep life interesting; just enough to gain sympathy and recognition.

You want a little taste, but if you envy what I have, guess what? You can have the whole E-N-C-H-I-L-A-D-A. Because I’ll tell you what: I don’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. I dare you to walk an inch in my shoes.

I’m pissed off, yes. I strive to keep it simple. I’m a simple girl with simple yet rewarding goals in life. I’m not asking for the moon, people. I’m a minimalist by nature, yet my life is a fucking shit show—a soap opera. I would like a streamlined path in life, thank you very much. But—no—I get to hurt and watch the ones I love the most hurt.

I get to wonder what she would have looked like at Rowan’s age. I get to watch others have twins. She’s alive in our hearts. God bless you my dear loved ones who aren’t afraid to talk about her. I love talking about her. And I love crying about her because that’s what she deserves.

Bitter.

*** I’m so glad some of my TTC sisters are able to acknowledge my “success” now that they’re gestating and no longer enraged. I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to watch my pregnancy progress—a pregnancy that required twice as much of everything you’ve been through to achieve yours. I literally smirk when I think about it. I smirk like a bitter little bitch. You’re such a delight now, dear sister. Why were you so bitter toward me? Why were you so jealous? Would you have liked to experience five failed IVF cycles; the loss of yourself in the creation of your child; the actual loss of your child; and 11.5 weeks in the NICU?

There I go again—smirking.

Oh, but nothing beats Facebook. Sifting through others’ lives just to run across a photo of that acquaintance from years ago whom you were never quite perfect enough for. She gets to have a streamlined path in life. Congratulations, you’re pregnant after—what?—six months of marriage … How incredibly easy. No, darling, your life is not hard.

No doubt, if I weren’t pumping/breastfeeding, one would think I’m on my period. But—no. I’m not. This is just my heart right now. I haven’t had a real period since last February; my fake, birth control-induced period was in March prior to the transfer of my beloved embryos. Ah, yes. My two perfect blastocysts; my baby girls. My Emmanuelle. She was built; Mary and Daddy’s gifts created her on April 11. Nine months ago my baby’s life began, only to be burned to ashes six months later. And there’s no answer. No explanation. They found nothing wrong.

NOTHING.

And so, I suppose I will begin my period again someday. After all, I am only 27, and I won’t lactate forever. I will bleed, and it will be meaningless. I will not have ovulated; my periods won’t be normal. The shedding of my uterus will be in vain because I cannot conceive children naturally with my husband. My ovaries will float in the abyss of my infertile body, carrying an abundance of follicles that only create shitty eggs. So I’ll bleed for no fucking reason. It will be just as it were …

And would you like to know the question many people ask me? The question that hurts the most?

They ask if I want more babies.

And my answer is yes.

And it breaks my heart.

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37 thoughts on “Deja Vu

  1. I read your first post earlier today because it comes to my email. I think you are brave and I respect the way you feel having been through so much. I appreciate that you didn’t want to hurt the feelings of others, but your feelings count too, even if they aren’t “publicly correct”. There is no how to guide to get through any of the hard things in life and sometimes life can be really really hard as you obviously know. Even though we have never met and I don’t frequently post on your blog I always read it. It was one of the first blogs I ever came across when I started my own journey and has been incredibly helpful to me in so many ways. I admire you, and that you post what is truly on your heart. The easy thing to do would be to not post. Many prayers for you and your family.

    • You are too kind. Thank you so much for the support. I’m so happy to read that my posts have helped you – not because I need the recognition, but because this journey is hell. I feel ya girl. Blessings to you!

  2. This is a safe place for you to let your feelings out. There is nothing wrong with the way you feel… Nothing! There is no guideline for grief and anger after something like this. After my fourth miscarriage, I had to step away from blogging and treatments. People just expect you to pick up and move on.

    Does your post sound bitter? Maybe to someone that doesn’t understand grief and anger and loss. Keep your head up.

    • I am so incredibly sorry to read about your multiple miscarriages. How is your journey going now? Prayers for you, my friend.

      And, ain’t nobody moving on anytime soon here! You grieve the loss of your angels for as long as you want; I’ll do the same with my angel. Many blessings to you. xoxo

  3. I think I may be confused here. Someone commented on this post using the word pathetic? I can’t help but wonder which part that reader found to be pathetic. Like I have said before, I do not know the pain of a loss. However, There are several parts of this post that I feel so similar to you, I swear I have said the exact same words you wrote here. The unwanted drama, yeah got it! The view on people who welcome a little of it, got it! Your anger and bitterness, ha, I certainly got that! Your feelings about other TTC women who accomplish their goals, um, I thought we all (IF women) collectively and secretly felt the same way. I thought that was just a known fact that didn’t need to be discussed around here. Oh, and how you feel about your fucking period….I have felt that way for years now! It’s one of the pro’s when I consider saying yes to a hysterectomy! I may not be the best person to be giving you advice, considering the amount of raw emotions I carry around, but I say you repost this twice a day for a fucking month! Blogging is not about being right or wrong nor is it about pleasing everyone who reads it. It’s about having a safe place to share your feelings, struggles and experiences with people that might be able to relate or at least understand a little more than your current support system can. You deserve that safe, non-judgemental place just as much as the rest of us! Please do not allow one critic to take that away from you my friend. If you look back at a post and feel as though it might be hurtful to someone, then by all means, trust your gut and remove it. We are not here to hurt each other in the name of venting. But removing it because someone’s feeling were unintentionally hurt? I don’t see that as fair. You grieve and vent in whatever way helps you survive one more day. Sorry for writing a novel instead of a comment. Hugs to you sweets!!! Xoxo

  4. Good for you. Do not let anyone make you feel like your feelings are invalid in life. You are entitled to the way you feel and I don’t think that is anyone’s business except for you. I think you’re pretty fucking awesome.

  5. As in the “regular” world, our infertile world has people who just don’t IT. You my friend, have every right to feel and speak upon the multitude of emotions that you experience each day. This is YOUR space, and I’m in absolute disbelief how someone has the @*#?&*! balls to post a comment of that sort. You are amazing, don’t ever forget that. Love you!

  6. Ohhh my beloved sister! My heart breaks for you and the lose of Emmanuelle. It sucks there will never be an answer for the heart ache. Please know that you are loved and that you have every right to share you heart-ache and if people don’t like it they don’t have to read your journey! I am honored to know you! You are a strong and amazing women. Lots of love!!

  7. I’ve never walked through what you have walked through. My story is very different, and that’s ok. I will be the first to admit that I don’t understand the pain or struggle as well as many do. However, I have SO much respect for you and the fact that you are willing to be real and raw. This is your space and whomever said this was a pathetic post is ignorant and clearly blinded by their own junk. It’s real, it’s raw, it’s you. If you can’t do You, there isn’t any point in any of this. XO

  8. I agree with the above readers, this is YOUR safe place to say exactly how you feel. I can relate to some degree. On our 3rd IVF (11th treatment) I finally got pregnant with triplets. I lost 1 @ 9 weeks but carried very healthy boy/girl twins and randomly went into preterm labor. They were both stillborns. 1 delivered @ 18 weeks and then I had to do the whole nightmare again @ 21 weeks. Jude was alive in my stomach but died during childbirth due to his size. I cannot even compare that to your pain of having to see your daughter alive and then die-that is a deeper and harder pain. Losing my twins made me hate pregnant people. It made me hate people that had had one 4 week miscarriage that tried to relate to me. I hated people who had a child already and tried to relate to me. I had to almost avoid the world for awhile. Losing your deserved, fought for children feels so unjust and leads to so much anger, bitterness and despair. I too had prayed and begged God to save my children and for some reason He did not and that hurt too. Keep writing what you feel, get your feelings out, you are doing it right. Love to you sweet momma.

    • Holly, I know of your story, and I cannot imagine the heartache. I am so deeply sorry for your losses. I can’t tell you how beautiful it is to read about your rainbow babies. Anyone who ever tried to relate to you is completely full of s***. Thank you for your support. xoxo

  9. Whoever called it pathetic- this is me giving them a virtual kick in the shins. Please please let it roll off you and remember there are so many of us who feel the intense privilege to be a witness to your raw, real, painful and beautiful journey. I can’t tell you how your words have touched me. The pain you have had to endure is crippling and anyone who feels the need to judge it can and should do so in their own private diary. Not here where we support and encourage. Xo

  10. Reblogged this on My Life As A Case Study and commented:
    Yeah *I am* that blogger that she refers to–the one who “couldn’t possibly understand” her because I’ve “ONLY had 6 IUI’s” (I mean, nevermind all the other sh*t I’ve been through in my life…chronic life long illness, death of mother to cancer, broken home, my husband almost died this week, etc.)
    Yeah I called her pathetic–but she DELETED MY COMMENT and EDITED HER BLOG for a reason–I told her she is MEAN. And then took a cheap shot at me.
    So here you go Ms. Belle Haven Drive.

    I’m not in the mood to take sh*t off of you, regardless of what you’re going through (guess what, you’re not the only one suffering) and I don’t think you should hurl your misery at other bloggers, *specifically* women who have supported you that are still ttc. Some of them WISH they could afford 5 IVF’s and donor eggs at a mere 27 years old. So in case you are unaware, MOST people, save for the privileged 1%, couldn’t “understand you” because MOST people could NEVER afford 5 IVF’s and donor eggs, all within a couple years time, at the *ripe old age of 27*. Some of them struggle to afford any sort of treatment and cannot afford adoption and they will never be able to give birth.

    And you are awful to insinuate that they (ttc’ers who have not been successful) *hate you* for being pregnant and now, a mother. And then you added the part where you admitted that *you* suffer from rage and bitterness (as if that wasn’t blatantly obvious). That’s fine, no judgement on your personal feelings. But it was mean and hurtful of you to accuse your ttc followers of having “rage” and “bitterness” toward you–that’s degrading and unfair.

    Yeah, I feel bad for you, Ms. Belle Haven, but your attitude sucks and you show a serious lack of character by posting these venomous thoughts. And also a serious lack of integrity for deleting my comment, editing your blog, and trying to make yourself a victim. You are your own worst enemy–I just put a mirror in front of your face.

    • I don’t mean to stir the pot here, but you are more than welcome to stop reading her blog. This is her space and she has the god-given right to write whatever she darn well pleases. She is writing HER thoughts and how SHE feels in HER space. She doesn’t need to acknowledge anyone else’s feelings here. I feel privileged to have the opportunity to read her blog, her thoughts, her feelings. Believe it or not this blog has helped me to connect with a friend who lost her 2 year old son (part of a boy/girl set of IVF conceived twins, tragic, heartbreaking loss.) I couldn’t imagine how she was feeling and I’m certain she wouldn’t have expressed her grief to me thinking there was no way I could empathize Ms. Belle Haven’s words gave me insight to how she must be feeling. So I started talking to her about her son. Yes, she cried but know what? She was so happy that someone took the time to share a memory of him with her, painful as that might have been BECAUSE NO ONE EVER DOES. I don’t shy away from asking how she is anymore or how her surviving daughter is. If i think of her son, I say something to her. If I see a picture of him go by on her Face.Book I comment. Why? Because NOW I KNOW how very important it is to her that her little boy be remembered. Without this blog I would be one of the million asshats that can’t handle grieving parents.

      That said, I’m sorry your life isn’t sunshine and roses, truly I am. Life sucks most of the time, it just does. But there is no excuse for blasting someone for sharing their feelings in their own space.

      • Dear Kat – I am so incredibly sorry to read about your friend and the loss of her precious son. How heartbreaking… I imagine it means the world to her that you keep his memory alive by talking about him. You’re a good friend. Thank you for the support. Blessings to you…

  11. Proud of you for reposting. I didn’t get a chance to comment the first time because I read it on the go and felt it need a more thoughtful response. Still don’t have the perfect words, but I admire your honesty, strength and bravery in going through and sharing your story.

    As far as jealousy and bitterness, you’re human and you’ve walked a very difficult path. You’re entitled to feel however you want. Just be easy on yourself.

    When you speak the truth you’re bound to make someone uncomfortable. That’s their problem, not yours. Keep writing x

    • Okay I just read the comment above and I’m so sorry that people hide behind their screens and criticize.

      I’ve been reading your blog for about a year now- when I first started IVF treatment and I always looked forward to your posts. You inspired me and demonstrated how things can be so awful but you keep going anyway. Only the special few are brave enough to write publicly about it. Keep doing what you’re doing. You help more people than you know. Rowan is so lucky to have such a wise mama. She’s gonna learn so much from you.

      Keep going, lady! Love your haters, they are proof you’re doing something right.

  12. I’ve not read your blog before, but I’ve just had a look through it now. It does seem very strange to me that anyone would feel bitterness towards you after you’ve endured such a difficult journey. Then again, I know all too well that infertility is a horrible, horrible thing to be dealing with and I’m sure that I’ve felt bitter and resentful myself even when I know I probably shouldn’t be. It’s all so hard. I am pregnant now after over 4 years of IF and 4 cycles of IVF and the thought of losing this precious baby is beyond comprehension. I’m so sorry for your loss x

  13. Hi Allison,
    Coming out of the lurk here. I apologize for not reaching out sooner. I admit, I’ve disconnected from the community, and mostly due to stupid people who gave me the “at least you can get pregnant” BS after I lost my son due to PPROM. But when I heard your story and saw the beautiful way you’ve been sharing it, I couldn’t help but add you to my reader.
    Sensitivity is all well and good, but this is your space. You do what you want and need to do with it. I learned the hard way (and I’m glad I did) that if I worry about pleasing other people, my space no longer remains the safe haven it once was. Keep this place for you. Anyone who has a problem with that can stop reading.
    You should not feel ONE IOTA of guilt or shame at what you’re going through, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. The situation is awful and confusing, and no one (and that includes me, because my experience is different than yours) has the right to measure your pain against theirs. Your pain is yours. Own it, embrace it, and eff everyone who stands in your way, because they don’t have your best interest at heart.
    Rant over. If I haven’t scared you off yet, feel free to reach out. Hugs.

    • First of all, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. How unfair and heartbreaking. I’m just so sorry. 😦

      People are really stupid, huh?! I’m sorry you had to deal with that bulls***.

      Thank you for the support. xoxo

  14. Yikes. I really hate when this kind of stuff happens. Groups take sides, people say things in the heat of the moment, nails come out… it’s just sad and that’s not what this community is about. I read My Life As A Case Study’s post and her comment and both of your posts. I’m sorry that this happened Allison. I don’t think there was anything in your post that should have caused a reaction like this. All I can say is maybe she’s reacting from a bad place right now… maybe bad news, a BFN, financial trouble, etc.

    This whole situation really centers around the pain olympics that comes up within the community every now and again. The “my journey is longer than your journey”. The “my pain is bigger than your pain”. I typically just refuse to play because I think that until we’ve actually walked in each other’s shoes, we can’t really know what that journey or what that pain felt like. For someone who has the financial ability (either through insurance, or personal finances, or charitable family members) to pursue treatment after treatment, well that’s a different journey than someone who has to save up for each individual try and space the treatment out over a year or more. Is one person’s journey harder than the other’s? Who’s to say? Or what about someone who has 5, 6, 7 early losses? Is her pain less than someone who experiences one loss at 12 weeks? Or is it the other way around? Does grief compound the more times you lose something?

    I believe you are raw and vulnerable and hurting. And you have every right to be. You went through a lot to get to the place where you had Emmanuelle and Rowan. It seemed like your happy ending was finally in sight, and then the unthinkable occurred. You are broken even if you are overjoyed, even if your arms are full. I’ll add that I don’t think many of us can relate to you now Allison. We love you, but we don’t know what to say, how to help, what to do. When it’s IVF and shots and numbers, we can all chime in, but when it’s this… this is just something few of us can relate to, so many of us will say the wrong thing. I think Holly and Caroline and the others who have lost a child after birth or gave birth to a stillborn are really the people who can understand what you’re going though. Lean on them. I know they’ll be there for you. It’s a ring of sisters within the sisterhood. They will understand you.

    Love you, sweet friend. So sorry that this happened. Praying for comfort, peace, and healing for you.

    • Amanda, thank you so much for this comment. You really nailed it – how I’m feeling. Thank you for your support and understanding. Thinking of you often and hoping your baby finds you very, very soon. You deserve it. 🙂

  15. I’ve been reading and following for a couple of years and have only posted a couple of times – but this is YOUR space and these are YOUR feelings. You have every right to FEEL all of those feelings, in your way. If someone takes offense they should move on, not attack you. You are brave, you are amazing – don’t let anyone belittle your experience.

  16. Thank you for reposting and not letting someone bitter and hostile control your blog, your pain. You have experienced immeasurable loss and I hope this blog, and all the support you receive through it, helps you navigate the grieving process. How anyone can tear you down for expressing your pain, sorrow, and anger is beyond me. Stay strong, mama!

  17. I feel sorry for the drama you had to go through. I have been a silent follower for a long time but never really commented. I know exactly what you meant by TTC sisters who live by the drama of things. I too drafted such a post but never got around posting it…because hey…no matter how you put it across it wud never come out right. Many months later I now realise that those sisters are also humans whose way of dealing with grief may not be exactly like mine. Sometimes crying over n over over split milk makes you forget that this can and may happen again in the future. Somehow the future worries and problems get to wait until they happen! Whereas here I am moving on from a failure only to invite the thoughts of what can go wrong next! Do i make sense??
    You have been through a lot….this blog is an open outlet to ur feelings. But the fact that you put it on a public forum does invite both kinds of reactions. Please dont pay attention to such reactions. This isnt real life…you really can and should chose who u listen to and who to shut out completely. God bless the soul of ur little girl…! Take care

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