Transparency

I welcome friends, family, and – really – whomever to read about my thoughts and feelings.

I write because it is therapeutic for me. If you are going to read my blog, prepare yourself for some raw emotion. If my thoughts upset you … then there’s not much I can do about that unfortunately. I do – however – wish you nothing but the best.

I’m just me, and that’s not going to change. The people in my life who love me unconditionally appreciate my willingness to share what’s inside my heart. And, sometimes, what’s inside my heart just isn’t pretty.

The TTC sister who commented on my original post and prompted me to delete it and re-group has re-blogged my entry entitled “Deja Vu”. Thanks …?

She writes that I lack integrity because I deleted her comment. I actually just deleted the entire post, which included the comment.

Sister, I wasn’t aware you wanted my readers to view your comment, but I’m happy to share it with them now:

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“This is pathetic. Seriously. I’m sure you hurt some other IF/RPL sisters’ feelings with this post–I think that was your intention, to spread your misery. You had all my empathy, but not anymore–because although you admit that it must have been hard for others to see your pregnancy, you obviously don’t give a sh*t or you wouldn’t have posted this. Some of them were HURT, but how dare you accuse them of being “enraged” and “bitter” toward you. As if. And you HAVE a baby, whereas others have none. Get a grip. Peace out.”

Below is my response:

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“Hello there. For what it’s worth, my intention is not to hurt anyone. I am just expressing my feelings; this is my journal. Spreading my misery for others to suffer does nothing for me; I would never wish my heartbreak on anyone. Unfortunately, I have encountered TTC sisters who’ve not reciprocated my well wishes and overall encouragement toward them. I don’t necessarily blame them; I just don’t understand how one can be jealous of someone who has endured what I have. Some of them admit to being bitter, and the rage is obvious. It’s not an accusation; I’m bitter and enraged. Did you notice I called myself a “bitter little bitch”? I believe those feelings are warranted because infertility is a living hell. I DO have a baby – you’re right. You clearly don’t understand the magnitude of loss I’ve experienced to finally have my beloved child. And I wouldn’t expect you to, and that is perfectly okay.”

My mother taught me not to engage in conflict of this nature. My initial reaction would be to ignore the original comment, ignore the fact that my entry has been re-blogged elsewhere, and ignore the additional comments regarding my character.

But, tonight, I’m feeling a little feisty.

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31 thoughts on “Transparency

  1. Wow, I have just read déjà Vu and Transparency… I can’t believe how anyone could make such a horrible, selfish and bitter comment towards you. Doesn’t she understand that this is your space… Your space… to say whatever you want?!

    I am a fellow Infertile… 7 IUIs – 10 IVFs (all failures), was I upset by what you wrote or have ever written? Hell no, quite the opposite! I love your candor, your raw brutal honesty… I wouldn’t expect anything less from your writings, it’s pretty simple… If you don’t like what you’re reading… Don’t read it!

    I really feel for you when I read of other little ones making it in NICU or twin pregnancies going to term. I think of Emmanuelle, I don’t get it either and I’m some random person from the other side of the world, how much worse is it for you? Off the charts… Allison, you get to say whatever you want.

    On your last IVF cycle, I was also cycling, you posted your result at the same time I received mine. Your strength and determination after that cycle to move forward with a Donor egg cycle was truly amazing, I couldn’t believe this young, gorgeous woman could pick herself up and literally forge ahead in your quest for a child.

    Your openness to share this journey has been so appreciated… You have so often written what I can’t say. Thank you for giving me the courage to move forward with a donor cycle. Please don’t stop writing.
    Kia Kaha xox

    • Good heavens, 7 IUIs and 10 IVFs my friend?! I am so sorry to read that. You have suffered too much and for too long.

      How is your donor egg journey going? I wish you all the best! Blessings to you.

      • Hi Allison
        I hope you are all well and have settled into a good routine at home. How has Sarabi coped with Rowan being at home?
        Thank you for asking about our Donor Cycle. We had confirmation today that our chosen Donor is available and has her Pre-screening appointment next Tuesday… Eeekk!
        Think of you often, take care.

      • Sarabi has done extremely well with Rowan, to our surprise. She doesn’t like anything new; she doesn’t like strangers, and yet she knows Rowie is part of our pack.

        Oh my gosh, that is so exciting!!!! When will your cycle start, or is it too soon to know? I’m so happy for you!!!!

      • I’m so pleased about Sarabi… Our furbabies can be quite intuitive.
        I was too scared to ask on Wednesday where our Donor is, in her cycle… They know I don’t want to wait so I’m hoping the cycle starts with her next CD1. I’ll know more after her pre-screening appointment… I’ll keep you posted. It is so exciting and incredibly scary at the same time!

  2. here:
    https://likesoblog.wordpress.com/
    If you’d like to see the consequences of listening to angry bitter and stupid people, read through those last few posts. This blog was opened when I couldn’t stand being attacked again, and closed when I realized I no longer cared, and I finally reclaimed my old space.
    I wish you the strength and resilience (of which you already have so much) to keep and own what is yours.

  3. Listen, this blog is your space to say what you want. It’s your safe space. As a fellow infertile (Three iuis, one ivf and four miscarriages and seven God awful years of trying) I would be lying if I said I wasn’t angry or bitter when I saw other infertiles announce their pregnancy and cross over into the mythical land of motherhood. Now I’m about to cross over myself and it is weird.

    Anyway. For that individual to say your grief is pathetic…what an insult. Your life has been an emotional wreck and if she can’t see that, then too bad for her. Your blog, your feelings, your words. People don’t like it, then don’t read it.

  4. It’s your place. If one does not wish to read it ..don’t. IVF sufferers all suffer..some have worse stories than yours..some not as bad…but this is your story…and how you feel. It’s your space…yours Emanuelles and Rowan’s. May 2015 bring many more blogs…hope the happy outweighs the sorrow.

  5. I just realized who your nasty commenter was. I am so sorry. She had no right. Blogging is everyone’s right and so are our feelings. No one can tell you how to feel and that sad that she tried. I have no respect for that person. I tried to send this to you as a Facebook message and couldn’t for some reason. Email me infertile625@gmail.com

  6. I haven’t commented much on your blog and only started following when a fellow blogger asked me to come over and support you because my girls were born pretty early and you were in the hospital with your girls.

    I will be very honest. When I read you blog post yesterday the first thought that came to me was you were very hurt and some of the things could be hurtful to other ladies still struggling to get pregnant. Then I sat back and realized I didn’t lose my daughter and I didn’t experience the absolute pain of having my baby unfairly taken away from me for no good reason. (Not that there is ever a good reason). I don’t know the pain you are going through and therefore it is very unfair of me to judge anything you write in your blog, that helps you cope daily. I can’t imagine and I am so sorry you lost your beautiful precious daughter. I know she will be remembered and missed tremendously every.single.day by you.

    This is your outlet, so use it in any way you need to help you make it daily. I would hope that ANY of us sit back and not be so quick to make judgements on something we have never experienced.

    • I truly appreciate your comment. I do apologize if I hurt your feelings; that was not my intent.

      I hope your sweet girls are doing well and are home now. xoxo…

  7. I don’t comment much, and I’m going to keep this brief. For whoever wrote that, and whoever is ‘jealous’ of your ‘success’…from someone who’s had repeat pregnancy loss…I am 100% certain that I would rather never be able to get pregnant, than get pregnant and lose it. Let alone lose a baby on the outside. So you are completely 100% justified to be bitter/express your feelings.

  8. I have been reading blogs for years but people like this girl are the reason I don’t start my own! Infertilty is so hard that I dont need any negative responses to put me over the edge! In regards to your post… I have had 7 years of fertility treatments that includes iuis, ivfs, and fet. I have had five losses and four failed adoptions. I have a 16 month old son though ivf and just lost a son after a FET to trisomy 22. I had people tell me this loss (all previous losses were before my son) should be easier because I had a baby. Um hell no it wasn’t easier. I cannot imagine what you went through and am so sorry for your loss. I lost my son’s twin but while pregnant and it was hard so I can’t imagine what you have endured. I am sorry people are rude. This is your place. It should be safe for you to tell your feelings.

    • My friend, you have been through far too much. I am so sorry to read about your losses. Thank God for your miracle son, but that does not take away from your suffering. How dare people suggest that. God bless you. Thank you for your support.

  9. I am not a fellow infertile, but I am someone who struggled to stay pregnant. Miscarriages and early deliveries, with extended bed rest/NICU stays. When you have cause to fear that you might lose your baby (in utero or out) it is scary. And people who have never truly experienced that fear cannot understand your anger or your pain. I cannot imagine having lost a child. Under any circumstances. It is silly and hurtful of people to think that just because one twin survived, you don’t feel the pain or loss of the other…and should not be allowed to express the anger that you feel. After all, isn’t open expression the whole point of a blog? People can read or not. It is their choice. But you should feel free to say whatever you want and/or need.

    • Thank you for your support Erin. I am so sorry to read about your miscarriages, early deliveries, and everything you’ve been through. It is scary stuff; unimaginable. Some people just can’t understand.

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