The Crisis

In a moment of perceived “crisis” I literally ask myself, “Is someone going to die?”

The answer is often no.

But that means nothing, I suppose. It means nothing to those whom I see nearly every day … and they still can’t just say, “Oh by the way, I’m sorry you lost your daughter.”

Heartless.

I don’t expect the world to stop turning because I can’t have Emmanuelle here with me. My world stopped—yes—but life keeps moving.

I started crying at work yesterday. I pictured her sweet face, and it was just too much.

That’s my crisis.

I place my head in my hands, crying, hysterical. “I’m so screwed right now.” My husband comes home from work and—like a hero—rescues his damsel in distress while our baby wants nothing more than for me to hold her. She wants her mother to hold her, but I deal with the crisis. It’s the crisis that must be dealt with—NOW.

I close my eyes and picture Room 15. “I am not in Room 15 right now. No one is going to die. On the spectrum of crises, this just isn’t one.”

And what really ticks me off is that the crisis receives more attention, more tears, more anxiety, more elevated blood pressures than it ought to.

Time is of the essence.

I race against time to solve the crisis.

Her doctors raced against time to save her life.

And guess what—world that keeps on moving? I solved the crisis. I nearly fell apart, but with mascara-stained cheeks, the mother of all crises has been solved.

But I still don’t get to have her.

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8 thoughts on “The Crisis

  1. This is true. And it sucks. There is no one right or easy way to deal with death. Any death. Don’t let it rob your joy. It will get easier. Ive never lost a child but I’m no stranger to death. It will get easier.

  2. I’m sorry you have something so shitty to measure everything else against. It doesn’t make everything else that much easier or better, it just makes it a reality that you have BEEN to hell. And nobody should have gone.

  3. It is very unfair. I know that someone telling you that Emmanuelle will always be in your heart, will never be a fair trade off, ever. I do hope that with time your pain will lessen and you will always have memories of your sweet angel without all the pain and hurt.

  4. Oh how I hate this so much for you 😦 I can’t even imagine what you go through every single day. Thinking of you, sweet friend.

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