I hold her close ‘neath the covers.

I feel her breathe; her body rises and falls.

I hear her breathe. She’s a top notch breather, my friends! A champion.

It’s hard to believe that this delicate girl required assistance ever … at all.

She breathes in and out. So natural. So involuntary.

*I have a confession to make …

It seems I’ve known her for five months, but – yet – she’s a completely different person from the stunning fetus displayed in her magnificent isolette. 

I stared at her today and almost told her Daddy, “There she is, that face. That look. Emmanuelle.” The resemblance. I did not want to bring him heartache; I kept it to myself. But I saw her.

I saw you, my darling.

I wish I could have her … because she’s my baby. We created her, our dancing Emmanuelle.

I want to know what she’d look like. I want to know what it’d be like … because that’s how it was supposed to be.

Lord, I miss her. 

My Rowan is the light of my life.

Oh, the heart. The matters of the heart.

*Co-sleeping: Something I never thought I’d do.

7 thoughts on “Breathe

  1. As I feel my dancing girl I can’t imagine the hurt you must feel having lost one of yours, your Emmanuelle. Having seen her face and held her….It’s unthinkable the heartache you’ve endured.

    You’re such a good mommy to Rowan. I love seeing her in your arms.


  2. Sounds beautiful and heart breaking at the same time. I wish you had both of your girls to snuggle in bed. Really glad Rowan is so strong now… She must get that from her Mum.
    How is your Papa?

      • I’m so sorry Allison, you have had a rough six months😥 He sounded like a lovely man, you will miss him.
        Our Donor starts her stim meds tomorrow, we have a tentative date for a frozen embryo transfer… 5 May!
        Moments of terror are creeping in, I so want it to work… But what do you do if it doesn’t?
        I love reading your posts, and picturing you with Rowan, it sounds amazing.

  3. Beautiful. I can relate to so much of this. I love the fact that her breathing gives you life. I thought I was crazy but one of my favorite things about being a mom is walking into the boys room at night and hearing them BREATHE. I too look deep into their faces for hints of what their older siblings would have looked like. The resemblance is bittersweet for sure ❤

  4. So happy that your Rowan is doing well. And even though it causes a pain along with the joy, I am happy that you are blessed with moments that you see Emmanuelle in her, too. In those moments, you hold you girls together.

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