She grins from ear to ear when her eyes meet mine. She is sunshine, and she is perfect.

I am preparing for a very difficult season. I can’t believe my Emmanuelle is so far away from me; I can’t believe it has almost been a year. How dare time pass so quickly. How dare she be a distant memory. She is not distant to me.

How very quickly we forget.

We prepare for celebration. We strategize and contemplate the logistics and decorations and food of an event to celebrate a person’s first birthday.

Damn straight.

This occasion will not be remembered by Her Majesty – THE babe-turned-one-year-old whom we celebrate.

“It’s really for the parents.”

Rowan has put my heart back together. I look at photos of her and wish I could tell her that I did not realize how truly broken-hearted I was before I had her. I mean, I walked around with a shattered heart, but I live now. I live.

I shower my baby with kisses and affection. I shower her with constant affirmations and speak often of her beauty. This child would have an ego one size too big if she could comprehend my words.

How do I raise a young girl who knows her self-worth, yet does not inhabit an entitled attitude? I hope to serve as a role model; I know she will see me as the definition of “woman”. I want that definition to contain words like “compassionate; gracious; hard-working; independent; polite.”

I know how to love this child, but how do I raise her?

That’s all for now I suppose. More later, hopefully…


11 thoughts on “September

  1. She smiles because of the love you shower on her daily… A child needs so little to be a wonderful adult. You and her daddy are already giving her what she needs. Unconditional Love. It’s not complicated. Love her daddy, daddy love her mommy and she has all she will ever need.
    Emmanuelle…. Darling baby girl… Always a part of our lives. You are missed and loved so very much. Yes… You are Rowan’s little sister, mommy and daddy’s angel. Never, never, never forgotten…
    I will be praying and loving you my wonderful daughter in love.

  2. Dear Allison
    Wanting to let you know that I’m thinking of you today. It’s hard to believe it has been a year since Emmanuelle died. I was so happy for you the day your daughters were born, but within 24 hours my tears flowed for you at the whole unfairness of losing your beautiful baby.
    I’m go glad you have Rowan to hug, snuggle and love but I really wish you had both of your daughters to do this with.
    I will never forget your story… you are often in my thoughts.
    Kia Kaha xox

    • Thank you for your kind words, and thank you for keeping Emmanuelle in your thoughts. Today was somber; we reflected very much in the events of one year ago. Today belongs to my Emme…. How are you? If I’m not mistaken, you pursued donor egg treatment? I pray you are well…

      • May 8th was when we transferred our perfect embryo, May 13th I saw for the first time ever… Two pink lines. We are having a little girl, and I feel unbelievably lucky and still overwhelmed that I will finally be a mum.
        Honestly, reading your blog was so inspiring for me… You helped me to see that I could do this, amongst heartache, it would be ok. Thank you. xox

      • Incredible! I’m so happy for you!!! So I imagine your due date is end of January or early February? It will be okay. It IS okay!!! So happy about this. 😘

        On Friday, October 16, 2015, Belle Haven Drive wrote:


  3. Due date 25th January… but we have been on this journey to be parents for 8 years, so due to my age they will induce me a week earlier (that’s if I get that far).
    I don’t have a password for your protected blogs but completely respect your privacy… Just hoping you continue to update occasionally on how you and your family are doing. I always enjoyed your candor.

    • You are more than invited to read the protected blogs. I would really love to stay in touch. Can you send me an email at I will share the password with you there, and then we will have each other’s contact! What do you think? 😊

      On Saturday, October 17, 2015, Belle Haven Drive wrote:


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