I’m in a bit of a dark hole.

I am thankful for a brand new year. I’ve actually made resolutions for this year, as last year I decided I ought to just “survive”.

But I am struggling, and I have been for some now time. I find that I prefer to be at work (work!) or hidden away in my bed with dim light and a book. I prefer to be distracted.

Her bright smile on that little, perfect face—I bottle it up and allow my heart to flutter and beam with light for a brief moment.

“She is my sunshine, my only sunshine. She makes me happy when skies are g r e y …”

But I’m stuck in this place I hate being stuck in. There’s a weight on my heart and in my gut.

Part of me feels ashamed for struggling like this. To me, I have *everything. To others, whom I know are still fighting for their babies, I have little right to be sad.

I told Rowan the other day, “Mommy isn’t allowed to be sad. I have you! I promise you don’t make Mommy sad, but—sometimes—Mommy is just sad.” Her Daddy says to me, “No, you’re allowed to be sad.”

I mean, I’m still “surviving”. Getting out of bed sucks, but that’s primarily because it’s still dark outside at 7 a.m.

Rowan doesn’t quite sleep through the entire night yet. (And, no, I really don’t care, and I’m not concerned.) She needs little intermissions throughout the night. They are brief—a bottle or a pacifier—but, still, it does interrupt my rest, so I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning sometimes.

But—I still maintain my promise to myself to run four days per week. I owe it to myself to rest, and I owe it to myself to run.

My work is fine, and my home is picked up.

Rowan endures a million kisses each day and has so much fun with her friends while Mommy and Daddy go to work. Rowan and I enjoy mornings together. I pump and enjoy my morning coffee while she plays her favorite game of throwing all her toys “overboard” her crib. I change her diaper and pick out the perfect outfit for the day—if only it’s just a Monday. Her hair either remains with that beautiful curl on top, or I comb her hair into an adorable miniature ponytail.

Her Daddy says to me, “She’s obsessed with you.” My heart melts; part of me hopes it’s true, but most of me knows it’s true. My beautiful baby is my whole, entire world.

Rowan doesn’t take my tone very seriously. I use the word “no” and tell her what to do—as opposed to ask her. She offers me her huge, Mary-like smile, and it’s all over from there. I suppose I just don’t have the right tone. I will have to work on that. Most importantly, I want my Rowan to know that—while Mommy is the “boss”—Mommy is also her confidant, her biggest fan, a space of unconditional love.

I offer her “oohs” and “awws” when I change her diaper and discover a “big-girl poop”. This child has ruined me.

Here I write as a therapeutic method to deal with my feelings, depression, etc., and—yet—she is my favorite topic! She and her poop!

*No, not literally everything. I have suffered great losses … $40,000+ and the bills continue; three separate moments of pregnancy; two heart beats; two birth certificates; one death certificate; and one child—don’t quite add up. But for the sake of my sisters still fighting, I have everything, and I know it.


4 thoughts on “Everything

  1. My lovely. Emanuelle is everywhere. When I see pictures of Rowan I always see E too. For awhile I would think she should be there with her sister. Then I realized I always see her because she IS there. I hope this doesn’t upset you. I think about your girls often. My sweet friend.

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