Even Before

I’ve struggled.

I’ve struggled to know the realness of God even before my baby died right in front of me.

Believe me, I begged Him. Real, fake, compassionate, cruel – I begged Him.

I begged Him. “Please, God, I’ll do anything. Dear Jesus, please heal my baby.”

How do you recover from that? I mean; you don’t I guess.

“I’ll go to church every week; I’ll stop saying Your name in vain out of frustration; I’ll be better for You. Whatever you want; just please save her.”

How do you invite Him to coffee for a little chat? I hate you. You are mean. You took and took and took from me. What did I ever do?

What did I do to deserve any of this?  I don’t understand the workings of the world sometimes.

Life’s problems are so trivial. I CARRY THAT. Misunderstandings, pinched feelings, logistics, political correctness, hierarchy, pride. Don’t bring me your pride; my daughter is dead.

I could not imagine a life outside of the hell I was living. I thought I’d lived it. But I suppose there is an elevator – or descendator – in hell, and I guess I arrived to a lower tier of hell in Room 14.

I don’t understand. I never will. And science does not understand. And now she rests in our home. I have a lock of hair and her ashes.

But maybe she lives …

I have never doubted that I will see her again.

But that is because she’s with Him.

So, where do I go from here?

I can’t do it on my own anymore.

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9 thoughts on “Even Before

  1. I certainly am not one that should be looked to for spiritual suggestions or advice, but I’ll share something I heard at a funeral of a very loved little girl that was born prematurely and lived for 3 days before she joined her big brother in Heaven. The monsignor broke slightly from speaking to the entire audience and directed his attention to her parents, and told them that it’s okay to be angry at God, it’s understandable to be angry at God; God can take it. And when the anger is gone, He will still be there, and there should be no guilt for feeling angry with God while coping with the physical death of your child.

    I don’t know if this is helpful, but to this former atheist turned somewhat believer, the words have stayed with me for over four years.

  2. I agree with Brianna, God can take your anger. He can handle it and hold and love you through it. It’s understandable that you’re angry. God understands that. No mother or father should ever have to endure the loss of their child.

  3. Hey. I have always been a strong believer all my life and have always had a fairly happy life. Infertility was rough, the IVFs were rough, but I accepted that bad thing happen to good people…until I lost my triplets in a horrific way. I felt betrayed by God, he seemed cruel and evil. We too begged (and truly believed) that he could/would do a miracle but all we got was silence and also ashes. I know your pain is even deeper than mine because your sweet love lived for a bit. I cannot imagine what that would do to me. Someone recommeneded a book by CS Lewis called ” A Grief Observed.” It really really helped me sort out my feelings with God. It’s basically his journal when his wife died of cancer. It is so validating and he almost models how to love God while feeling like you hate him. If you want it (it’s an easy read), send me your address: hollybenson10@yahoo.com. It’s an easy read. I’m sorry you know the pain of losing a child, it’s one of the greatest tradegies and injustices I think exists.

    • I think what Holly said here is excellent. She and I went through our losses around the same time and connected during that time. I have had plenty of days where I was angry at God for not saving Jackson. I was angry because I knew He could have saved him. God can absolutely take your anger. For me once I admitted I was angry and basically did have Him over for coffee in which I told God exactly what I thought of it all I felt better. It’s not easy and I am so sorry you are struggling. Praying for you.

  4. I want to fix this for you. I want to return the bounce to your step and the lightness to your heart. But, I cannot. So, I will continue to walk by your side and bear witness to your grief. If ever you need more of me, just say so.

  5. There are no words to make this better, I just want you to know that God understands you. He knows grief better than anyone else. Since you believe you know he also LOST his Emmanuel to a world that didn’t love him back. However long it takes he is waiting for you. He doesn’t mind your anger and loves you still. He will meet you right where you are. I also agree with Holly, C.S. Lewis has some really great words about this. We are all here for you, friend!

  6. There is a liberating feeling, I hope, that comes with saying that you can’t do this alone anymore. I wish the world did not have war, and famine, and beautiful newborn babies who die in front of their moms.
    I think about survival, yours. You’ve had to survive so well in order to be a good mother to Rowan. You’ve had to hold your breath so much, in fear that your second daughter would also be taken. But there comes a time when you can’t, just can’t anymore. And so, I just want to say that I hear it. I hear that’s where you are. And my heart aches for you very much.

  7. Sending love, isolation isn’t the answer, seek comfort from people you trust as you grieve, there’s no time limit. It doesn’t mean Rowan is not adored or amazing in her own right, that you are not grateful for what you have. All the emotions you feel are yours, don’t apologize nor feel guilty for those still waiting. My son has a place in my heart just as his rainbow sisters do, however they can’t and shouldn’t replace him. It’s been over 20 years, even those who supported me then, no longer mention/remember him. Initially I was angry. Now it’s OK, they didn’t love/bond with him those treasured moments. It took a very long time to speak of him and not fall apart. If nothing else know you will survive and are loved unconditionally.

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